So Let's Set The World On Fire

I was sitting at my desk at work today when I got an unusual call. It was a student. She needed to interview a lawyer for one of her college classes. 

She started out by asking me some basic questions, like "what type of law do you practice?" and "where did you go to school?" Then came deeper questions.

"What lead to you becoming a lawyer?"

I gave the cop-out answer. I told her I had graduated from undergraduate school with double majors in Political Science and International Studies. But after they handed me my diploma, I had no idea what was next. I mean what exactly are you qualified to do with a Political Science degree? So, at the last minute, I joined my fellow Poli Sci majors and took the LSAT. My dad was a lawyer so I already had some admiration for the profession. I decided to let my LSAT score decide my fate for me. In the end, I got a pretty good score so I went to lawschool.

After I gave my answer, I turned the tables and asked about her career goals. With a cheerful, optimistic voice, she told me she didn't really know what she wanted to do. But she wanted to dedicate her life to helping people, especially people in other countries. In short, she wanted to help save the world.

Her positivity and noble goals nearly bowled me over. I paused for a moment to reflect. What she said hit me. It hit me really hard. Eight years ago, I was her. I was EXACTLY her. Eight years ago, before I chose the path that led me to lawschool, I was desperate to serve.  I wanted to save orphans in India. I wanted to oversee U.S. foreign policy in countries around the globe. Administer foreign assistance in third world countries. I wanted to be a part of the United Nations. I wanted to give myself to the world and to all of her children. I wanted a career of sacrifice and love and diplomacy.

But I just didn't know how to get there.

After college, I had plenty of internship experience to help me land an entry level job somewhere. I had interned for the Governor's Office of Illinois (yup, that would have been the always-controversial Governor Blagojevich!). I interned for a documentary film producer. I worked for a small nonprofit arts theater. I volunteered at a children's cancer hospital. But none of that really led me anywhere that I truly wanted to be.

So I applied for a program to teach english in Japan. I had studied Japanese for four years in highschool. Everyone told me I was a shoe-in. I put tons of effort into my application. I prepped for my interview for HOURS. I was determined to get the job. But....I didn't. And I was devastated.

I had to think of a new plan quickly. I followed my Poli Sci friends to the LSAT and, somehow, stumbled my way into lawschool. When I entered lawschool, I still had my heart set on a career of service. I was certain a J.D. after my name would provide PLENTY of opportunities to go abroad and serve the world through some fancy organization or other. I was crestfallen to discover that those types of job were ultra-competative. My average lawschool grades would not put me in reach of those goals anytime soon.

Then life happened. I met my husband. We got married. We started a family. We gained a mortgage. We had car and health insurance payments. I left lawschool with a huge student loan debt. Debt that will likely stick around for the next 1.5 decades. Somewhere in all that life, I lost sight of my original goals. I landed an awesome summer internship at a litigation firm. I followed that internship into a job and that job has now become my career.

My ambitious, adventure-seeking, philanthropic self has morphed into a mediocre, boring everyday person. A person who dresses business casual and sits at a computer typing documents all day. Routine has replaced spontaneity. Bills have replaced travel expenditures. Contentedness has replaced my abhorrence for boring everyday life. And a family tethering me home has replaced my heart's desire to roam.

Sure, if I really wanted to, I could probably dust off those old dreams and follow them to the ends of the earth. But I'm a different person now. I've accepted the wonder and beauty of a routine life. I live like millions of other boring people across this country. And you know what? I'm even OK with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a sell-out. I mean, I practice personal injury law instead of feeding orphans or saving people from AIDs. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my work. It's just not the fancy, set-the-world-on-fire job I always dreamed about.

BUT, you know what? At the end of the day, I don't care much about what I do....as long as I get to come home to this:

The Ballgame

Dear people without kids. Please do me a favor. Get in your car and go somewhere. Go anywhere. Just pick yourself up, on the slightest whim, and go.

First, appreciate the fact that it didn't take you 20 minutes to pack a diaper bag, feed a baby, and load kids in the car. Then as you drive, please relish the fact that there is not an unhappy screaming baby in your backseat. Soak in the luxury of not having a toddler incessantly screeching in your ear, "What does disturbed mean," "What does frustrated mean," "Why don't trees sleep?"  Finally, arrive at your destination without having to first unbuckle two children, throw a diaper bag over your shoulder, and lift the world's heaviest carseat from your vehicle.

Please. Just soak it in. Every moment. So that I can live vicariously through you! Ok. Now that that's done, we can move on.

So, my husband won tickets to a local minor leage baseball game. Because we can never find enough ways to torture ourselves, we decided to take the kids along with us.

The first obstacle was my 45 minute drive to the game where we were meeting my husband. As I predicted, Ryan began crying the second we hit the open freeway. After listening to him scream for 20 minutes, I did what any rational person would do. I drove the car WHILE feeding him a bottle. I was in the front seat. He was in the seat directly BEHIND me. Kids, don't try this at home:

After 10 minutes, my arm felt like it was going to fall off. Amazingly, I managed to stay in my lane and go the speed limit the entire time. I honestly think I deserved some kind of gold nedal for that performance.

We arrived at the game just in time for the first inning. Seats behind home plate! Perfect view... of the backside of the baseball players, that is!

Unfortunaly, I only watched about 7 fragmented minutes of the entire game. The rest of the time I was chasing Jacob, who quickly became surrounded by a gaggle of new toddler friends, or feeding Ryan, who was very content to just sit on my lap and smile at the people around us.

We got into the spirit of the game and dressed Jacob accordingly.

Then we found the team mascot. I learned the hard way that the Rainier Raindeer does not like to be called a moose. If you ask me, I think someone's jockey straps are on a little tight.

When I wasn't chasing Jacob, I was escorting him to the bathroom. Either he likes to annoy me or his bladder is the size of a kidney bean. Ryan and I hung out in the bathroom while we waited for Jake to do his business.

Hanging out.

 

We left the game at the top of the ninth but not before Jacob's new girlfriends all gave him big, wet goodbye smooches. It was a shame we were leaving early, but also very necessary. Truth: a kid who misses his bedtime the night before is worse than discovering a turd in your coffee. After you've already taken a sip!

52.8 Years

In the 16 work days I've been back to work, I've written 7 demand letters. I'm a demand-cranking machine right now! It's funny because when I worked on the defense side, almost ALL of the demand letters that came across my desk were, at the most, a very minimalistic two pages long. Now I'm on the other side and I'm cranking out ultra-detailed demand letters. It's a lot of work but I honestly enjoy it. I love sifting rigorously through all the available evidence trying to piece together a demand. It's like a treasure hunt. How many claims can YOU find?!

BUT....there IS one part I'm not particularly fond of -- calculating future general damages. See, there's this handy little chart called a Life Expectancy Chart. It basically tells you, based upon some super complicated statistics and equations, how much longer you can expect to live based upon your age and sex.

It's depressing.

When I think about being a 20-something (even if that's a LATE 20-something), I feel very young. I feel like a huge portion of my life is still in front of me. (Until I realize I'm probably only 5-7 years from whar some would consider middle-age...ew!). But when the remainder of my life is reduced to a number....it seems....so final....and not so very long after all. I do NOT like a little chart reminding me that I can expect to live only about 52.8 more years! That chart makes me start to feel all itchy and twitchy.

52.8 more years.

52.8!

By that time, my baby will be 52.8 years old (see, I CAN do math!).

It seems like both a considerable amount of time and a very inadequate amount of time all at once. A lot can happen in 52.8 years. At the same time, it's just a tiny speck in the timeline of the universe. I kind of want to be more than just a speck. It's so overwhelming to think that eventually my life will be swallowed up by the sea of forever.

52.8 is not my favorite number. I think I'm going to count the remainder of my life in candy bars instead. If I eat one candy bar a day, thats approximately 19,284.67. I have just over 19,000 candy bars left! I like that number much better.

By extension, today, I am 10,226.72 candy bars old.

A Sitting Matter

Ryan's been trying really hard for the past couple weeks. Today he did it! He sat, unassisted! Multiple times! He lasted a full minute before finally keeling over from the weight of his big head.

He looks like such a little man.

 Yeah, I'm sittin'. No big deal...

Oh, I was looking for that binky.

 Hey little toes. How YOU doin'?

Nice nose. It's mine.

My awesome guys! 

Mr. Personality

After work, I drove to a nearby park to pick up my kids. As I drove around the park and eventually found a cool parking spot in the shade, I saw my mom twirling my son on the merry-go-round. I couldn't tell who was happier- my mom or my son. I have the most cheerful, bright, playful, and patient mother in the world. I often can't help but think she is better with my kids than I am.

I've never seen her lose patience with my children. When Jacob becomes difficult, she turns everything into a game and magically transforms his stubborness into willing cooperation. I have no idea how she does it. I'm convinced that if I looked at her back, I'd see a battery compartment fitted with a hundred D-size batteries.

She and Jacob have such a wonderful relationship. It's still hard for me to go to work most days. But when I think about the beautiful relationship that they share as a result of me being a working mom, I am nothing but grateful that they've had the opportunity to bond on such a deep level.

I can probably count on one hands the number of times I've seen my mom without a wide grin on her face. She is such a positive energy. She's a little out-there at times too. I will never forget the time that my husband (then my boyfriend) came over to pick me up at my parents' home. My mom asked him if he would like some mint gum. When he accepted her offer, she took out a piece of Juicy Fruit, wrapped it around a mint leaf, and handed it to him as if it were the most normal thing in the world. To my amazement, he accepted the gum and even chewed it. That's when I knew my husband was a keeper.

As I walked across the grass, towards my mom and kids, Jacob finally caught my eye. From a distance, I saw him mouth the words, "My mommy's here!" He dropped everything he was doing, ran right up to me, and wrapped his arms around my legs. Before we left, he gave me a merry-go-round ride and told me all about his lunchbox full of Hot Wheels cars.

"Mommy, this car solves night time mysteries. This car solves dinosaur mysteries. THIS car solves outer space mysteries." He went on and on.

I gathered up my kids, said goodbye to my mom and we were on our way. We stopped at the grocery store and I let Jacob pick out the cake he wanted for his upcoming birthday party. Spiderman, of course. We were just about to check out when Jacob said, "Mommy. Are we going to pick up my tooth medicine?" "Tooth medicine" is what we call Flouride in our house.

I nearly slapped my hand over my forehead in shock. I DID need to pick up his tooth medicine. The last time I was with Jacob at the store was two weeks ago. At that time, I had put in an order for Flouride refills. When the pharmacist told me it would be 20 minutes, I left and decided to pick them up the next day. Then I had totally spaced. How did Jacob remember that?!

When we got home, I gave him a bowl of grapes with his dinner. He counted the grapes and informed me, with an expression of amazement, that he had "80 MILLION GRAPES!" Before he ate all 80 million of them, he took them to the bay window and began to throw them like bouncey balls. Grapes flew in all directions, sending nasty, wet grape stems sailing across the living room.

"Jacob! Stop! Go sit down and eat your dinner!" I scolded him.

He scooped up five grapes and plopped them all in his mouth and once. With a full mouth, he bounded to his chair at the table and exclaimed, "I'M ON IT!"

I only had to chase him back to his chair seven times before he finally ate 1/4 cup of mac and cheese. I guess 80 million grapes will really fill you up.

Life Is But A Dream

Oh my gosh. Today was incredible. Just when I was starting to give up on weekends, today just went and one-upped yesterday. Not only did we have two fun filled family days in a row, but I still managed to do chores, keep the house fairly clean, plan meals for the week, and prepare in advance my lunch, the diaper bag, my purse, and my outfit for tomorrow.

On top of that, our grocery bill for the week was impressive. I'm planning on making crab mac 'n cheese, beef stroganoff, and ginger-soy chicken. Our grocery bill come to a modest $50 and some odd change! Admittedly, this did not include baby formula or beef tips. BUT it did include a $10 pack of crab meat and staples such as milk, bread, eggs, and lunch meat. Do I hear any cheers? .....(crickets)......

Today started out "iffy." We planned to visit my parents' house so that we could all go for a boat ride. But the weather was overcast all morning. We were on the fence about what to do but finally decided to throw caution to the wind and make the trip despite the weather. I'm so glad we did! The second we got onto the water, the clouds broke and the weather warmed up. It turned out to be a wonderful day for boating on the Puget Sound!

I was lucky enough to grow up on an increduble island near Seattle. For the last half of my childhood, we lived on a beautiful waterfront property. The house itself wasn't much, but the wrap-around views of the Sound and a front yard that stretched across endless beach and sand, offering crab, clams, and fish for the taking, was dream worthy. I grew up surrounded by so much beauty.

And then I moved to the mid-west for college....Corn. Fields. Let's jusy say that if it hadn't been for Lake Michigan, I wouldn't have lasted a month.

Today, stepping onto my parents boat, was like stepping into a world of the past. My dad has had the same 17" Bayliner since I was 5. That's 23 years! It still works...well, sometimes. It's incredible how much larger the boat seemed to my child-self. Sitting in the boat now, I'm seeing it through much different eyes.

I remember sitting in the bow in summers past with my siblings. The three of us could almost completely stretch out as we kept a vigilant watch for stray driftwood ahead. I remember the red and white cooler my mom would pack full of sandwiches and soda, and a beer for my dad. We enjoyed day trips around the island, innertubing, wave-cruising, and overnight camping trips. I remember spending one entire summer in high school sunbathing alone in the anchored boat as it rocked in the waves and wake. I read all of my brother's past issues of junior Sports Illustrated magazines and drank 4 sodas a day in the 17 foot parent-free zone.

Sadly, the boat had been broken for the past several years, missing an obsolete part that my dad finally tracked down halfway across the globe. All those memories sat, nearly forgotten, in the back of the garage. So, when we got the call,  just this past week, that the boat had been resurrected, we all cheered. And today definitely lived up to the anticipation. I loved sharing my old memories with my family. And making some new ones of our very own.

The four of us managed to squeeze in the bow for a`photo. I'm sure the boat looked huge to Jacob, just as it once looked to me.

My parents live right around the corner from the bridge. This is practically their view from every front-facing window.

Jacob enjoyed the waves. In the picture above, I'm certain he's telling me something very important that requires finger gesturing. But I couldn't hear a word he said over the wind.

Ryan looked like a chubby oompa loompa in his life jacket. He loved the boat too. He was relaxed and content the entire ride.

We made a stop at Blake Island. The entire mile-long island is a state park. There's an Indian-style longhouse where tourists enjoy tribal shows over a delicious Pacific Northwest dinner of salmon. My dad, the anti-tourist-in-his-own-home-town, never forked over the money for that. We just played on the beach, picnicked, and camped.

Today, as Jacob skipped happily along the trail to the beach, carefully dodging tiny deer droppings and stopping to pick up a shell or two, a younger version of myself appeared before me. It reminded me how incredible my childhood was, even though I didn't always appreciate it at the time. How wonderful that as parents, we get a second chance at childhood through the eyes of our own children.

When I get bogged down in daily routine and can't see past just making it to the end of each day, it helps to stop for a moment and remember where I came from. Those simple beginnings are enough to put me back in touch with the person that is inhabiting this body of mine. It helps me be thankful for everything and everyone that I have. 

Family Fun

During the work week, I look forward to the weekends with so much expectation. I try to think up new family outings and destinations. I imagine all of us huddled in the living room pig-piling each other and laughing together. I picture pleasant family meals around the dinner table followed by last-call trips to the park before we all snuggle in for bed.

Then the weekend comes. And my weekend fantasies turn into this:

Jacob having a tantrum because we won't let him have popsicles for breakfast. Ryan screaming because he didn't sleep through the night, AGAIN. My husband stuck in the basement or garage fixing something that broke. Me standing in the middle of a laundry strewn room, yelling at Jacob, and pulling my hair out. By Sunday evening, we are all exhausted, wondering what happened to that family outing we had wanted to take and where the heck did our weekend go?!

But...sometimes...the cards line up just right and the weekends turn out pretty darn good.

Today is a good example.

After being up with Ryan four different times during the night, Ryan and I woke up at 9 a.m. Jacob heard we were up and snuck into bed with us. The three of us hung out in bed, laughing, chatting, and tackling each other.

Then, we all packed a day bag and headed out to visit friends. Ryan had his first ferry boat ride and made googley eyes at all the women around him. Over his father's protests, Jacob got down on his hands and knees and zoomed his toy cars all over the floor. We walked outside to the bow of the boat and let the fresh Puget Sound air try to knock us over. We finished up the ride by people watching.

An hour later we arrived at our friends' house. They have a pool. In their backyard! I think that blew Jacob's mind.

Jacob splashed in the pool for the better part of the day with the men while the ladies watched from our dry, warm seats. Jacob can't swim yet but he did great job in the pool with his monkey floaty. That's the best $2.50 I ever spent.

Ryan talked up a storm, ate some sweet potatoes (managing to actually get some of them in his mouth- I'm still cleaning the stuff out of his neck rolls) and won the Guiness Book of World Records for most smiles in one day. We have a great group of friends. Most of them don't have kids yet but they are so tolerant when we crash their parties with OUR kids. Jacob loves that the guys treat him like one of them.

At one point in the day, I was bouncing Ryan on my lap when I realized Jacob was being too quiet. Wanting to make sure he was still at the SURFACE of the water, I glanced over my shoulder. I saw him standing dead-still on the pool steps making a weird face. I knew that face. I knew EXACTLY what he was up to.

"Jacob! Are you peeing in the pool?"

"NO!"

"Jacob, are you peeing in the pool!!!"

"NOOOO!"

"JACOB. Tell me! Are you peeing in the pool?"

"Yes."

Sigh.

We sure know how to wear out our welcome.