Ew

Dear FB friends. I'm so happy for you that you chose to have a home birth. However, I do NOT want to see your home birth videos. Or your bloody home birth photos. In fact, I don't want to see any birth photos at all.

And I can assure you, neither does my husband.

Any occasion where something is physically coming out of your lady parts, is probably not meant to be shared. That's a pretty solid rule to live by. I highly recommend that you adopt it.

While we're on the subject, I could also live without pictures of your placenta. Or pictures of you eating your placenta.

Bodily excretions in generally should not be photographed.

I get that birth is a wonderful and beautiful experience. There are just parts of it that do not belong on social media. Like, you know, my entire C-section procedure. So, let's make a deal. I'll spare you photos of my uterus and parts of my intestines being physically removed from my body, if you spare me photos of your home birth.

Pictures of the baby are an entirely different story. Snap and post away please!

Rejecting Satan (AKA Facebook)

When I first switched jobs and cut my daily commute down by several hours each day, I was so excited about all the extra free time I was going to suddenly have. I thought about all the exercise, cooking, crafts, and, yes-even laundry, that I would be able to fit into my regular schedule. I had high hopes and big ambitions.

Fast forward five months to now. What do I have to show for all that extra time I added to my schedule? Pretty much nothing. So what the heck have I been doing those two to three hours between the kids' bedtime and my own? Apparently, those hours simply disappear. Into the black pit of Facebook doom. That's two hours every weekday night, or TEN hours in one work week, spent on Facebook/the internet. GROSS. Just thinking about that gives me the same feeling I would gets upon suddenly realizing I ate an entire extra large bucket of popcorn (dripping in butter, of course) at the movie theater...by myself. Ugh.

But those two hours after the kids go to bed were not the only times I spent on Facebook during the day. I usually checked in when I woke up in the morning, during my lunch hour, after work, and occasionally here and there while I was home with the kids. I don't even want to think about how much time that all adds up to be.

I really enjoy Facebook for many reasons. I love to see what all my family and close friends are up to. I love pictures of babies. Pregnancy updates. Wedding announcements. But there are a lot of negative things (aside from the time-suck) about Facebook. People can be really rude. People can be petty. For some reason, people like to say things on Facebook that they would never say to your face. Facebook can be used for a lot of good. But I mostly just see a lot of narcissism. And I'm not perfect. I do things I regret on Facebook. When people post things that make me angry or when people post things that I perceive to be offensive or insulting or just rude, I sometimes react. And not in a kind way.

The fact is, not only does Facebook distract me from kids and chores and from simply being present, I don't like the way it makes me feel most of the time, either from my own actions or in reaction to seeing things other people post. I become immature and judge and compare. I get tired of seeing politically charged and other preachy posts. These are my own shortcomings. I'm not blaming anyone else. People have a right to pose whatever they enjoy on their own page. But for me, Facebook was starting to take up too much mental and emotional energy.

Upon a lot of reflection the past couple weeks, I've come to realize that lately, for me, Facebook is tipping heavily towards the "con" side. Plus, if I didn't use Facebook, think of all the things I could accomplish and do. Think of all the ways I could be productive with those ten extra hours each week! I could learn a foreign language! Or read several books. Or create things. Or exercise. Or go back to school and get another degree (if I didn't already have crippling student loan debt, I'd seriously go back and get a public administration degree).

As I've spelled out in this post, I am clearly a Facebook addict. I took initial steps to correct this earlier this month when I challenged myself not to use the computer after work until the kids were in bed. This challenge has been less difficult than I imagined and much more rewarding. Instead of coming home and sinking my attention into the screens of my laptop or phone, I've been much more engaged with the kids and much more present in the life unfolding around me.

Earlier this week we made a race car bored game out of extra cardboard. Both kids have gotten hours of play out of it. And I even joined in, without pausing a single time to check my phone for social media notifications.

Last week I made these little wallets that hold toy cars. I discovered that my sewing skills are a little rusty (hot glue gun to the rescue!).

This challenge has made me feel more engaged in my own life and with my kids on a daily basis. And it has encouraged me to go one step further. I decided to take a short break from Facebook. Temporarily banning myself from Facebook is absolutely scary for a Facebook addict like me (but it is also necessary because, clearly I lack will power to resist the lure of post after post of pictures of my friends' homemade Salisbury steak or fried wonton salads). I mean, come ON! What if someone gets pregnant and I don't even get to know about it instantly? What if someone I met one time in college who now lives in North Caroline gets engaged....and I never find out?! The fear of missing out on Facebook is both absolutely terrifying and so insanely ridiculous at the same time.

But, I have to see what good things will come out of this experiment. I have to experience what it is like to live in a world where I am free to enjoy moments without having to worry about capturing them in a perfect Facebook post. I want to know the non-Facebook me.

I honestly have no idea what the heck I am going to do for ten hours a week. But I stopped by the library today and checked out seven books filled with sewing patterns to keep me busy (guess I better buy more hot glue sticks). I'm a little confounded as to how I'm going to keep in touch with people I need/want to contact. Because of Facebook, I don't even have anyone's phone numbers or email addresses anymore. I will still be blogging from time to time (hey, I'm not a total martyr). So if anyone is trying to contact me, you can e-mail me at my blog email address (ceepalmer at gmail dot com).

Passive Aggressive Facebook

What they post: "Here is a picture of the amazing dinner I made!"
What I say: "That looks so good!"
What I want to say:  "OMG. You make dinner? And it turns out edible? You deserve to be on the front page of a newspaper. NOT."

What they post: "My baby is the cutest baby ever! I love him/her."
What I say: "Cute."
What I want to say: "I'm so glad you love your own kid. If you didn't, that would be a problem. Also. Your kid isn't really that cute. Mom glasses are about as strong as drunk goggles."

What they post: "This is the workout I'm doing today: 5 miles, 50 push ups, 2,000 kettlebells."
What I say: "You go girl."
What I want to say: "Stop bragging bitch. Sit down and eat some donuts like the rest of us."

What they post: "I cant wait for tomorrow because my parents are coming to visit I havent seen them since last christmas it has been way to long they are on there way right now to see my hubby and I."
What I say: [nothing]
What I want to say: "You are 33 years old. It's called PUNCTUATION."

Also, for the love of God internet-land, sometimes it is actually NOT correct to say "[blank] and I." !!!!!!!!!!!!!

What they post: "Getting our drink on!"
What I say: "Have fun!"
What I want to say: "This is the f*cking fourth weekend in a row that you have been out on a girls' night. Your husband must be WHIPPED. Also can you pretend your social life sucks as much as mine for just ONE weekend?"

What they post: "My baby woke me up at 6:00 a.m. I'm so tired!"
What I say: [biting tongue]
What I want to say: "I wake up at 5:45 a.m. every morning. Also, try having a baby in law school sometime."

What they post: "I have the best hubby ever! He is so handsome and he takes me on five star vacations and he buys me motorcycles, and here are five thousand photos to prove it!"
What I say: "You two make a cute couple."
What I want to say: "There really is a limit on how much of my own puke I can swallow."

What they say: "I'm so glad we chose to do cloth diapers! I'm saving the environment and I'm keeping harsh chemicals away from my baby!"
What I say: "I could never spend all day scraping poop out of diapers, but go you!"
What I want to say: "I'm so glad you're better than everyone else and totally unashamed to tell us all! Also, I can't wait until you catch your chemical-free child smoking pot some day!"

What they say: "[insert judgy/snobby comment]"
What I say: "I don't agree."
What I want to say: "I wish I could bitch-slap you. Just once."

Facebook Makes Me Rage-y

Warning: This post contains high levels of extreme, unprovoked bitchiness.

I cannot stand to be on Facebook lately. I can't even stand to look at it. There are a handful of people whose posts I actually enjoy. The rest of the posts are so obnoxious that it takes everything I have to not be rude in the comments. I've had this problem for some time. But no matter how much I try, I can't quit Facebook. I'm addicted. It's like a car crash. I have to see the horribleness and yet, at the same time, I have to shield my eyes.

I know I'm not the perfect Facebook patron. I'm sure my post annoy a lot of people. I'm just going to admit that right now. I post a lot of pictures of my kids. But this is my blog. So welcome to my rant (feel free to leave anytime). Plus, it's ok to do these things once in a while. But if your FB wall is dominated by these types of posts...omg, why are we still friends? Oh yeah, because I can't kick the stalking habit!

First, there are the parents who always post about how their kid/kids are the cutest kids ever. Really? What do you expect from the rest of us? You want us to agree? Because everyone thinks their own kids are the cutest ever. We can't all be right. Chances are, your kid is just as weird looking as the kid down the street. You are just too mom-blind to see it. (OMG. Am I'm going to hell for saying that?) By the way, the same goes for all the furry babies out there.

Then there is the friend who got married months ago and refuses to land the honeymoon plane. She is stuck in her self-obsessed bridal world. Her wedding is the most important event of the century and she is going to talk about it/post pictures of it everyday for probably the next ten years. I know it's hard to accept that the world actually doesn't revolve around your most perfect wedding. But dude, it's time to check into the real world. If you post one more picture of your Most Perfect Bouquet Arrangement, I'm going to shove baby's breath into my eyeballs.

Then there's the grotesquely dependent couple who are way too loving that their posts can only be a deliberate attempt to hide the fact that they are hateful serial killers. Hey, if you really love your husband/boyfriend, you wouldn't tell him on Facebook, you'd walk three feet to where he is standing and tell him to his face. There is no way that you two are always as perfect as you try to seem on FB. And there is no way anyone on the planet actually cares about the time your husband was so sweet that he bought you tampons at the supermarket. Also, you live in the SAME HOUSE. You see each other every day. Why do you feel compelled to post your love-notes on FB for the entire word to see? Unless you hate me so much that you are TRYING to make me barf in my mouth. Obviously I am not really in love because I only show my affection in person.

Then there is the gym rat. Can I just say... my day is not complete until you post your daily workouts on Facebook. I live in a world of constant suspense until you post that daily pic of you looking hot/sexy in your workout clothes. Earth to human, workout clothes are for sweating. NOT FOR PLAYBOY POSES. Also, how do you have the guts to stand in the middle of a busy gym floor to snap a selfy? If you look that good at the gym, you are obviously doing something wrong.

On a related note, there are the health nuts who believe they have achieved elite goddess status just because they think they are eating the same way less evolved humans ate thousands of years ago. What is so good about being like a caveman? What if I told you I was on the paleo hygiene plan. Would that be equally impressive? I'm not impressed by your ability to substitute all carbs with cauliflower. Gross. I don't need a play by play on what you are eating for every meal. Seeing your ridiculously self-serving posts about how much better you are than us lowly carb-eaters makes me want to eat five consecutive Snickers bars and drink a gallon of black-listed soy sauce. Maybe if you LIVED like a caveman it might be prudent to eat like one. But none of us in America rely upon physical prowess to stay alive. We don't have to fight for our lives on a daily basis. Your goal to achieve bodily perfection is just about as practical as my goal to obtain a copy of a Gladiator movie poster signed by Russell Crowe.

This segues perfectly into Overly Nutritious Mom. Your kid only eats the finest of organic fruits and foods made painstakingly from scratch. This is totally fine. For the record, I support moms who want to feed their kids healthy foods. My problem is when your obsession with healthy food turns into a militant tirade on FB. These are usually the same people who post things like, "Responsible parents use cloth diapers" and link to articles about how kids who were cloth-diapered generally achieved a 20 point advantage on SAT scores over the poor, disadvantaged kids who were forced into the physical abuse of disposable diapers. Stop trying to convert me already. Unless of course, YOU want to come to my house and make all my baby food from scratch and scrape the shit out of my kids' cloth diapers. Then by all means, convert away!

I can't end this list without mentioning the "woe is me" vague-booker. Statuses like, "something horrible just happened and I'm going to publicize it to the world but don't ask me for details because it is super private!" Clearly, these people need to be ignored. Forever. If you open the door on a topic, FBland should be allowed to cross-examine you!

If you will excuse me please, I  have to cut this post short so that I can check FB before bedtime.

A Margarita Worthy Day

Today was awesome. My boss and I finished drafting an appellate brief. (I love researching and briefing. I may suck at organizing tangible things but I love organizing arguments!) A large part of our brief is based upon briefing my boss already did at the trial court level. But I was able to expand on it using some of my own my additional research. And I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty dang proud of our combined efforts.

When my boss handed me a copy of the brief for a final review (and so I could take on the monotonous task of adding page numbers to the table of contents and table of authorities...yuk!), I noticed that he had added my name and bar number to the cover page as co-counsel. This means that if the decision gets published, my name will be attached to an appellate opinion! This is so cool (unless of course we get creamed by the Court of Appeals, then maybe not so cool).

Is it weird that I am more excited about this than I was for Christmas?

Another task I thoroughly enjoy at work is explaining the process of litigation to non-lawyers. I love when I have the opportunity to explain what little I know about rules, procedures, and strategy to clients. And since I work for a new firm, we have some new-hires and support staff that are not that familiar with civil litigation. I'm not the best teacher but I do enjoy the challenge. All these little opportunities to teach and explain to others may eventually (and hopefully) make me a better oral advocate for trials and hearings. Because right now, I'm pretty much just lucky when I don't stutter over a big word or when I actually remember that one specific words that I am thinking of in my brain.

After we finished the brief, I tackled a lot of things on my to-do list, and cleared(ish) off my desk. It feels good to clear the clutter. I'm pretty sure this occassion calls for a margarita! (Or maybe I will just settle for my favorite tea with the usual extra creamer and three packs of Splenda?).

Also, can I just say...some people need to NOT post everything on FB. EW.

I give this person a FB time-out.