Have You Stomped A Crab Today?

How is the weekend over? I swear it JUST started. Not cool.

The weekend had ominous beginnings. Friday my Seahawks played the Broncos in their first pre-season game. I was excited to be wearing my new favorite dress and was even happy that it was blue so I could wear some Seahawks colors for the day. And then I got to work and the first thing my Broncos-loving coworker said was, "hey, nice Bronco colors!"

Ooops. 

At least my dress was fabulous (Loveappella from Nordys). I love the pattern.

And Friday night ended with me falling asleep on the couch to a big fat Seahawks loss. At least it's just the preseason.

I've been so freaking exhausted lately. My schedule hasn't really changed (I still get the same little sleep as I have always gotten) so I don't know what that's all about. Saturday, the kids woke me up at 6:30 am and then I took Jon and rushed out the door to get my van looked at. It needed a little more work than we originally thought. I ended up trying to kill 5.5 hours (that's so much of my weekend time!) around the repair place while everything got wrapped up.

First Jon and I went for a LONG walk. Then we went grocery shopping. Jon was so happy and was charming the pants off everyone in the grocery store and pointing and grunting happily at everything. He was WAY past his naptime but was going strong and happy. It was so much fun to spent forced one on one time with my youngest (he often gets the short end of the stick when it comes to getting my attention) even if it was just in the store.

Finally my van was ready, we paid for our groceries and this happened five steps from the van:

I want his eyelashes. 

These pictures make him seem so little still. But it's a trick. He's getting so big. It both amazes me and saddens me at the same time.

Our latest project has been getting our house ready to rent out. Things are moving so quickly on the new house, I don't think we were quite ready for it to happen lightening fast. Trying to find renters has been good motivation to get to all the projects we've always said we were going to do and then never did. Like paint the nasty lime green kitchen cabinets. My husband painted the bottom cabinets grey and the top cabinets white. It looks great! I wish we had done it long ago!

A potential renter was supposed to come over today to look at the house..but she was...special. My husband texted her to see if she was interested in seeing our house. She replied and said she was crying in her yard trying to figure out where she can live. Um. Ok, then. That gave me a bad feeling about her from the beginning (drama queen?). But we said she could come over at 1 to take a look at our place and see if she was interested. She agreed to do that. Then 1 came and went. So did 1:10 and 1:15 and 1:30. She lives literally two blocks from our house. This was not acceptable. Hours later, she texted my husband and said she walked by the house. She asked how much it was for and what she could do to rent it (all this info was on the ad where she got our contact info). Um, how about SHOW UP when you say you will and not stalk us from the street? I told him not to even respond. I don't have time for dumb people.

After wasting all morning cleaning my house and waiting for the no-show, I marched the kids outside and we went for a bike ride. I'm really going to miss all these views when we move:

My gang

The first half part of our bike path

The second part of our bike path

Gorgeous

Ryan marching up to his "house"

Can you spy the ferry? And the Jon?

Lifeguarding. 

Jacob came running up to me from behind and yelled, "hey mom!" When I turned around he shoved this in my face. I screamed. A lot.

Jacob went down to play along the shoreline while I entertained Ryan and pulled rocks, shells, and dead crab legs from Jon's mouth. At one point this grandmother came up to me, she was with her grandson who looked to be about Jacob's age. She gave me a very disapproving look and said with a scolding tone, "your oldest is stomping on crabs just to see them get squished. That's probably not something he should learn."

WTF. Excuse me? They were dead crab shells. They were not live crabs. Her eye contact lingered on me as if she was waiting for me to be upset by what my son was doing. Was she suggesting that my son was going to grow up to be a serial killer? I'm pretty sure she was. I ignored her and I don't think she was pleased with my "so what" attitude. And when she left I called Jacob over.

"Where you stomping on crabs?"
"Yes."
"Why."
"Because. They're dead. It hurts them much more when we cook them alive to eat them."
"Good point. Carry on."

I seriously wanted to clock that lady. And of course it wasn't until after she left, with her nose in the air and her highly disapproving glares shooting straight at me all the way to her car that I thought of all kinds of good retorts. Why are people such assholes?

Alls Well That Ends With A Backyard Pizza Picnic

I'm staying off Facebook because tonight is the series finale of Mad Men. And I can't watch it until tomorrow night. And I fully expect Facebook to be full of maddening spoilers or vague references (like "OMG! I can't believe what happened to Don!") that will make me want to punch a hole in a wall. Mad Men has been my favorite TV splurge for the past 7 years. I love to analyze the sh*t out of that show. After each episode I have intense dialogues with myself about the meaning of every single scene and the progressive or regressive development of each character. I need to know the ultimate fate of Don because I have been trying to predict and anticipate it for the last seven years. But I also don't want to know. Because then I will not be able to anticipate it anymore. Sadness. (Also, I will always be team Don/Betty- forever!)

So, this is also why I have no real friends. I'm too busy being involved in the lives of people who do not actually exist. Damn. Now you all know. Hmph.

Also, speaking of entertainment, I purchased Hozier's album (you probably heard his single "Take Me To Church"). It is fantastic. I know music is very relative to time, place, circumstance, and person. But man, this album is rocking my world right now. And this is coming from someone who has never really been into music. I mean, I listen to it of course and I have preferences. But unless I'm commuting, I actually prefer no music to music most of the time. I tend to like it for working out, but it's not a deal breaker.

In junior high and high school, the first thing someone would ask a person they were meeting for the first time was always "what type of music do you listen to?" I hated this question with a passion and would just shrug. I just don't really listen to music unless someone else has it on. I appreciate good music and there are some songs that really move me and can bring my freak out on a dance floor (including an abundance of shallow pop songs). But it's not really my THING and I don't like people trying to define me by music. Anyway....all that to say that Hozier has really found a place in the soul of a generally music-less soul. The music is soulful and catchy and the lyrics are artful and unpredictable.

I just wrapped up a crazy week at work. To rest my brain, I went shopping. And I discovered these amazing dresses. Dresses are hit or miss with me. Most dresses cling or drape in the wrong places. And I prefer structured material to flowy/loose material (see cling problem above). But this dress was so awesome that I bought it in TWO colors! I still can't figure out the best color to wear with the orange dress. Probably a navy blue cardigan (...because I live in the PNW. You just can't ever leave the house without a cardigan on hand. They should really make hooded cardigans, that would cover all my PNW weather issues).

A little short for my personal taste in the office...but I'm totally bending my own rules for casual Friday. 

Saturday was pretty much all tee-ball all day. We had a 9 am game 45 minutes away. Then the kids had a car wash event later int he evening. I will be a little bit happy when tee-ball is over. Jacob asked if he could sign up for Pee Wee Football...but one of the moms warned me it can be up to five days a week (hell to the never).

During Jacob's game, Ryan entertained me by bringing me flowers and caterpillars. He made a "home" for the caterpillar on his special blanket and picked some grass for caterpillar food. I saw him wrap his arms lovingly around the caterpillar home and whisper softly, "I love you caterpillar." I asked him what the caterpillar's name was and he told me it was "Jacob."

Hey there thumb!

Loving on Caterpillar Jacob

Later in the day, I actually meal planned and then grocery shopped accordingly! I usually do all this in a last ditch organizational effort Sunday night. My meal plan rules are pretty easy: I only meal plan dinner, I have to cook enough each dinner for at least one left over dinner, and I get extra points if veggie side dishes last almost all week (my kids are not big on side dishes). For all you ladies who prepare new dishes each weeknight, I bow down to you. I guess I'm lucky that my family has no problem with leftovers. So.... tomorrow/Tuesday will be pierogies (which I spent an hour hand making today!) and flank steak with brussel sprout salad. On Wednesday/Thursday, we will have cedar plank salmon with dinner rolls and brussel sprout salad. Friday will be grilled chicken and gnocchi in Pioneer Woman's tomato cream sauce. And now, I'm hungry.

This morning, I overheard this amusing conversation between Ryan and Jacob:

Ryan: "No one talk. Only I can talk. Because I'm a person."
Jacob: "I'm a person too."
Ryan: "No you're not. You're Jacob."
Jacob: "I'm Jacob AND a person."
Ryan: "No, only I'M a person."

Ok then...no point arguing with a three year old.

I found this piece of Jacob art. Super boy v. Bad Guy Woman. Bad Guy Woman is riding a broomstick. I wonder if that is supposed to represent me?

Today was pretty rough. Let's just say Hallmark would not want to make a movie out of our day today. My older kids would not stop fighting. Grabbing toys away, hitting on each other, name calling, refusing to share, only wanting what the other one had. Ugh. It was constant! I screamed... a lot. When they fight, I can't even send them to different rooms or banish them to a play room. Because of our lovely tiny house, we are up in each other's business every second of the day. On top of this, Jon was fussy all day- I think he's getting another cold.

I was Jon's chew toy today.

But you know what? Maybe Hallmark WOULD want to make a movie out of this day because...we ended it with a family pizza picnic in our backyard and a spontaneous session of baseball practice. Everyone was at least half way clothed. And Ryan only got pounded in the stomach by the ball one time. Jacob only farted halfway through our picnic and Jon only spit up on my shorts once, resulting in a pooling of curdled/regurgitated milk up my legs and into my panties. Yes. It was very pleasant. Don't wear shorts near a spit-happy baby.

Ryan: "I don't always picnic, but when I do, I'm a roman emperor.

When the kids miss a catch, my husband makes them do push ups. Tee ball is serious business.

A Treatise On Babies, Trials, And Crotches

After a ten hour work day involving eight full hours in court, I came home to this guy's happy smiling face:

There is seriously no better way to end a day of trial (except with a defense verdict).

I also came home to this elaborate set of train tracks, courtesy of Jacob and Ryan.

When Jon's happy coos began to turn into tired whines, I gathered him into my lap, collapsed into my favorite rocking chair, and rocked him to sleep over a game of Zingo with Jacob and Ryan. I was home, I was surrounded by all my babies. They were either sleeping or laughing. I was so, so happy.

In preparation for trial day one, I spent a good portion of my Sunday rewriting and reviewing witness outlines and doing this:

I swear Jon knows whenever I'm about to have a big day. He is usually a great sleeper but the three times I've had to get up early for court this month, he's only let me have a couple hours of sleep. Last night he woke up at midnight, then Ryan woke up at 1, then Jon woke up again at 2, then Jon woke up again at 4 and again at 5. When my alarm woke me up at 6, it felt like I'd barely slept a wink. But when I looked over at the little stinker in my bed, his face broke into its usual gigantic grin, and I just couldn't stay mad. He hung out with me in the bathroom while I showered and sat next to me while I got dressed for court, all the while lavishing me with huge open-mouthed grins every time we made eye contact.

I love babies.

For trial day 1, I got to voir dire the prospective jurors. It's always nerve wracking to have to chat up complete strangers about whom you will be making instant and stereotypical judgments. And I was younger than every single potential juror. I'm still waiting for the day that I walk into a courthouse or an important meeting and am NOT the youngest person in the room. But hey, could be worse. I could be the oldest person in the room?

After the jury was selected and sworn in, I argued one of our motions in limine. The federal court judge ruled against me but paid me the highest honor by saying that it was "a really excellent brief." I'm going to bask in the glory of that compliment for quit a while! You think judges read so many briefs that they are just mind-numb to them all. Maybe not.

Tomorrow I'm going to wear my brand new pants suit (the phrase "pants suit" makes me cringe and mentally vomit- I don't know why) while I cross examine some witnesses. It's also my only suit with pants (successfully avoided The Phrase). I've been searching for FIVE YEAR for a decent pair of work pants that don't give me constant wedgie. Is my butt just big? No, my butt is exceptionally flat (not in a good way). So is my crotch just long? That could be my native name: Long Crotch. Ha ha, ew. That's worse than The Phrase.

The wedgie problem is why I exclusively wear skirts and dresses at the office. But the other weekend I ACTUALLY found a pair of pants that worked. It was no small miracle. It also just happen to come with a suit jacket that ALSO fit me. And the entire suit made me feel like Alicia Florrick so, you know, I had to buy it. And now I'm not sure what I'm excited most about tomorrow: my new suit or my cross examination.

Either way, I'll be ready!

Rough Day. New Blazer.

I have a trial next week. My life is a little insane right now.

I had an 11:00 am meeting with a witness that I will be examining at trial. That meeting lasted two hours and included a lengthy and non-relevant history lesson on the Battle of Normandy.

Then I scarfed down a can of soup while I got ready for my 1:30 meeting. This meeting was shorter but still made my brain hurt. But legal brain hurt feels masochistically good. So I didn't mind too much.

Then I had a nearly two hour meeting at 3:00 pm to discuss trial strategy. I have never discussed and re-discussed and triple discussed trial strategy this many times before. Brain hurt level = explosion.

I rushed out the door at 4:30pm to pick up the little kids (husband working late).  Then, with little kids in tow, I rushed out the door to pick up my big kid. Then for some crazy reason (i.e.: I am totally freaking insane), I dragged all three kids to the open house for our parish's school.

Coincidentally last week, the day that my son informed me that a kid in his class told him that her mother steals things from people's pockets and that every time she sees a police car she is afraid it will take her mom away, that just happened to be the SAME day that our church school sent out an email invitation to their open house. And some people don't believe in signs! I'm seriously considering private Catholic school after a number of incidents made me feel a little uncomfortable with the local district. And I'm not talking about the dude who dropped his kid off on the first day of school wearing a shirt that said, "I have morning wood."

Jacob's teacher is AWESOME and he is thriving (now). But man, sometimes I get the creeps. It's totally unquantifiable. I just can't shake it off. Oh yeah, there WAS that incident of a sexual predator.... And the classmate who colored on the wall with her own poop and stuck crayons up her nose. I know weird and icky stuff can happen anywhere. I would just prefer that it happen surrounded by a hundred Jesus and Mary statues. Also our church school rocks. But.....costs. I will likely have to choose between private school education or a house that does not resemble a sardine can. Dear Lord. Don't make me choose! We are about to set up our baby crib in the kitchen. I can't pee without sitting in someone else's pee (one bathroom, five people). And I have to dry my hair while sitting on the floor wedged between the Pak 'N Play and my dresser. Sh*t is getting desperate!

Long story short- I took the kids to the school open house. And I'm in love with the school. And my kids knocked over a "crown of thorns" display made by the first grade class. And we all shook the priest's hand except for Ryan who had his finger wedged deep into his nostril and apparently even priests have their limits. And I tried to have a serious discussion with Jacob about what school he would like to go to next year but he was pretty determined that the decision should be settled by "eeny meeny miney mo."

As we pulled away from the open house, I decided to take Ryan to Urgent Care because he had weird bumps on his face and he had a crazy rash on his tongue. You know, it really could have been the measles. You can never be too careful. Another long story short, Ryan does NOT have the measles but a bacterial infection and lingering respiratory infection. And sitting with three children in a waiting room and then exam room for two hours will likely involve several unpleasant things including: (1) constantly telling your two year old to stop licking the wall - hmmm, might explain that tongue rash, (2) your six year old repeatedly spinning on the rotating doctor stool and crashing into everything within a ten foot radius, (3) baby spit up on your work clothes, (4) walking laps around the doctor's office to distract certain children from smacking each other, and (5) lots and lots of selfies.

Ryan hasn't quite mastered the art of the selfie.

But Jacob has.

By 8:30, we were finally exiting Urgent Care and I gave in and made a final stop at McDonald's Drive-Thru where in my exhaustion and distraction from a screaming four month old, I totally hit a curb. I'm hoping I can blame any resulting vehicle damage on the elderly neighbor who parks next to us on the street. (Yes, I've accepted the fact that it will take the sayings of many MANY rosaries to get my wicked soul into heaven.)

Forty minutes of baby screaming and cheeseburger throwing later we are FINALLY home. It's not until I pull up to the house that I realize I never picked up Ryan's antibiotics. Ooops. It will wait for tomorrow because: the siren call of the yoga pants > concern for son's well being. It's just a tongue rash people. It's NOT the measles.

The kids ended up going to bed super late and I finally choked down dinner at 9:30. It was such a freaking crazy day. But you know what, it's totally ok. Because today I was wearing a brand new cropped blazer with my favorite boots and slightly new prescription shades and I felt like a million dollars all day long (even when I pulled out my wallet at the doctor's office and a used pair of little boys' Toy Story underwear fell out of my purse).

This is now one of my favorite outfits. I was totally unsure about the layering. The waistlines and hem lines didn't seem quite right with the shirt underneath. But it looked funny to tuck the shirt in and I ran out of time to adjust my outfit so I just went with it.

Any outfit looks better when poised next to a suspended, stuffed pterodactyl. 

I felt like I was channeling my inner Alicia Florrick (my fictional lawyer hero and role model) all day. It's amazing how one single outfit can make you feel powerful and in-charge. And I desperately needed to feel these things during meetings in which I have to tell men nearly thirty years my senior what to do.

You've Got To Be Suiting Me!

I have a federal trial in less than a month and I am very much in need of a new suit. In my short legal career, I've not had great experiences with suits. Any suit jacket that fits in the waist/bust is too small in the shoulders and too short in the arms. Also, I have never found a single pair of trousers that fits me. It's painful to admit this but.....apparently I suffer from chronic butt camel toe. So I'll just be sticking to skirt suits.

Basically, I have one suit that I like. It's from JCrew. And while wearing the same suit five days in a row might be forgivable when you are pregnantm that's not gonna cut it this time around. Yup, I'm officially suit hunting.

The internet is great for suit hunting. Just from looking at a photoshopped image of a stick-sized, gorgeous model, I can tell EXACTLY whether a suit will work for me or not. UGH, Right now I don't have many leads but I wanted to share some of the gems that I found on actual chain retail store websites.

Warning: the suits you are about to see are 100% real. Recommended for mature audiences only.

First up, look at this beauty. I mean what lawyer hasn't thought, "I really wish I could look like Tetris at my hearing today." It's great for distracting opposing counsel.

Then there is this...the "Embellished Shoulder Torn Blazer." Why would you tear your own shoulders when you can have it done by an underpaid seamstress in a third world country? I know what you're thinking, "This is so wonderful that I have absolutely nothing as equally wonderful to wear with it!" But never fear! You can buy the skirt in the picture and be stylin' from head to toe. Just don't be alarmed if birds start to fly for your crotch, mistaking the print for tree branches. 

If I could wear shorts this short in court, I would never have to brief another legal issue ever again. I'd win cases with my legs. And an occasional panty peek-a-boo during strategically timed instances of a dropped pen.  

Who wore it better? This model, or someone from the cast of Duck Dynasty? This is a great selection when your secretary accidentally books your court date back to back with your hunting trip. Set to the tune of about 5 grand...this suit better be lined with real deer fur.

Finally, this is the PERFECT suit to wear when:

(a) you need to distract the judge from your losing argument;
(b) you want to set a more relaxed, springy tone (i.e. death penalty cases);
(c) when you have to apologize to the court for a mistake you made and you want to inform the judge that to be human is to err by reminding him of poor life choices he may have made during a college spring break trip to Mexico; or
(d) you are the designer's mother.

Seen On The Catwalk

One time, I showed up to work wearing one brown and one black shoe. I didn't even notice until a file clerk pointed it out to me halfway through the day. To my own credit, they were EXACTLY the same shoe...just slightly different colors.

Another time, I wore a cardigan sweater to a night club. 

If you think these things are horrific crimes against fashion, you will be happy to know exactly how far I have come in my short life. (Sadness, I'm going to be 30 this year). When I was a little girl, I met an elderly gentleman named Pete. Pete was from the Philippines. My mom and I visited him in the Old People's Home occasionally. I like to say that I did it solely to give back to my community. Truth is, I did it for the lumpia. 

Anyway, one day, Pete gave second-grade me a hat. It was a maroon trucker-style hat. Except, affixed to each side of the hat, in silver, glittery glory were wings. The wings were shiny and metallic and if they caught the sun at just the right angle, had the power to blind the Cyclopse. The hat looked a heck of a lot like this: 

Man, I loved that hat. I wore it every day. To school. Yes, you read that right. I wore it TO SCHOOL. Everyone complimented my hat. And by everyone I mean only my 65 year old bus driver with a half mouth full of teeth. I thought I was so cool. I thought it made me look fast. But mostly, I just loved those bright, shiny, silver wings. My poor parents. They were such troopers. Letting me express myself in any manner that captured my fancy, such as dressing like a character straight out of a Greek Mythology book. They seriously get mad props for that. I mean, they had to show their faces at PTO meetings. 

One day, my hat suddenly went missing. To this day I have no idea what happened to it. I can't imagine that another kid coveted that hat enough to swipe it. I suspect my dad may have "disappeared" it. 

So, you see, I have come quite a long way when it comes to making myself presentable in society without burning out the corneas of the fashion astute. I still have wardrobe problems. And I still like to express myself in unique ways (such as wearing my cowboy boots to the office on casual Fridays). But when I do pull together a nice outfit or two, as I stand in the mirror admiring my social acceptable color coordination and tasteful (mostly) accessorization, I like to think fondly of wings hats. 

I'm going to be bluntly honest here. Sometimes, the best part about being a lawyer is simply getting an opportunity to dress like a lawyer. When I have an outfit that I particularly like, I like to take a picture of it. Outfit photo have saved me several times from "OMG, I Have Nothing To Wear" 

I collected some photos of my favorite outfits from this past week and posted them below. But I decided my photo collection needed some kid-contribution to liven things up a bit. It's fun to dress up like an adult. But sometimes the exuberance with which a child embraces the world, free from the strings of social conformity, can be inspiring.  

This first outfit would be a pretty simple outfit, if not for....

THESE AMAZING HOUSES! Yes, a house blouse. Every gal should own one. (I love weird/unusual prints- maybe someday I will find a print with silver wings?)

For those days when you just can't decide what to wear, there is always the option of going Full Monty. However, as your friendly lawyer, I would have to advise against wearing this particular outfit to the grocery store:

This casual Friday, I spiced up a boring jeans/t-shirt outfit with my favorite Anne Taylor scarf (and Sperry shoes- my Christmas gift).

 And on Cool Dude Day, Jacob wore his dad's sunglasses indoors. Eye safety does not suddenly stop when you exit the great outdoors, people.

I recently caved in to a year-long desire and bought a chambray shirt. I absolutely love it. I've dressed it up with a pencil skirt for work but it also looks fun with a blazer, boots, and pearls. Date-night ready in 60 seconds!

Sidenote: this outfit was inspired by U.S. Marshall Raylan Givens (Justified). He's one tall drink of water in his no-fail outfit: denim, a blazer, and cowboy boots. I'm just missing a silver star. Oh yeah, and a penis.

And here is Jacob showing us what happens when underwear becomes outerwear. This look is likely to be a big trend this season. Jacob says, "it's all in how you wear it."

And because everyone wants to a tour of my office toilet.....(I really need to invest in more appropriately placed full-length mirrors...and a better camera phone would probably help too.)....This is pretty much my default work outfit: skirt, blouse, and long cardigan. I've been told I dress like a librarian. Considering that my husband STILL has a crush on his high school librarian, I'm ok with that.

Here is Ryan's contribution to the fashion conversation. In true Ryan spirit, he is wearing his binky (most under-utilized fashion accessory ever), one sock, "comfy" pants, and two hats on his head.

Last but not least, Jacob's trying out a special new look of his very own. He lost his second tooth this morning, single-handedly succeeding in cleaning out the tooth fairy. She better start selling some of those teeth on the black market if she wants to keep her fairy gig going.