Don't Even.

As excited as I am to have a baby, I think I'm equally excited to just NOT be pregnant anymore. I don't understand why people say they enjoy being pregnant. I hate everything about it.

Mostly, I can't wait for the stupid comments and constant remarks to end. Yes. I'm pregnant. DUH. Pregnant people get bigger. I own a mirror, thank you very much. The size of my belly is obvious to everyone, including me. I don't need someone to give me the stats on my appearances every single day.

I'm just so incredibly sick of it. Today when I was picking up Jacob from after school care a shirtless, backward-hat wearing 30-something year old man yelled at me from across the parking lot, "You look miserably pregnant." GEE, THANKS ASSHOLE. What exactly was the purpose of your comment, other than to be a complete jerk. Even if he was trying to be nice, why would he think I would want some random male stranger to publicly and vocally sympathize with me on pregnancy?

People at work are well-intentioned but I dread confronting any coworker because I'm tired of the inevitable comment about how big I look, even when it is prefaced by or suffixed by or sandwiched between a compliment. I'm running out of responses. Polite responses anyway. Thanks for commenting about my physical appearance (again), you are only the fourth person to make the same obvious observation about my belly this past hour. And I changed so much from when you commented yesterday. I really appreciate the update.

I just don't get why people are so uncensored about the physical appearance of pregnant women. It's ridiculous. We wouldn't tell a fat person that she is only big in her middle and the rest of her is normal. Why do people (especially people who aren't close friends) feel like it's ok to make the exact same comments to me? I wouldn't tell someone she has a giant pimple on her forehead. Why do people feel like it's fair game to make comments about my physical appearance every single day? Every. Single. Day. It's come to the point where I park my car at work, make a bee-line for my office, and try to hide there all day in order to avoid commentary.

I appreciate the kind smiles and the silent-but-knowing glances from strangers and passersby. I don't even mind the obvious stares all that much. I'm just sick of hearing what everyone thinks how I look. This is my third pregnancy. I've heard every "clever" remark there is. Seriously, unless you are going to offer me a chocolate chip cookie, leave me alone!!

All My Babies Are Growing

We've almost survived the first week of Kindergarten. Things have gone surprisingly smooth. Jacob loves school and is excited to be dropped off each morning. He seems to enjoy the kids in his class as well as all the activities of the day. It's weird to try to piece together the events of his day from bits and pieces that I hear from him.

I got a little carried away with pictures...but my first baby is going to school for the first time so you'll have to forgive me.

Ready for his first day!

 

My boys :) I can't get over how big-kid-ish they both look.

On the first day of school Jacob only expressed one concern. He was worried that if a bully gave him a wedgie, he would stretch out his new Ninja Turtle underwear. I love that he didn't care so much that he would get a wedgie, just that it would ruin his underwear!

As far as I can tell, he hasn't encountered any bullies yet. Although, there was a little drama on his first day. After school Jacob took the bus to his afterschool care program. When I got off work, I was so excited to meet Jacob at the afterschool program. I got my camera phone ready, expecting him to beam with delight as he saw me and wanted to tell me all about his great first day. Except, when I got to the afterschool program, I saw all the kids playing happily except Jacob. He was sitting in the corner sobbing, his face and eyes completely red. My heart completely broke in two as I quickly dropped the camera phone into my pocket and gave him a big hug. He was so relieved to see me and I can't remember a time in the recent past when he has hugged me so tightly. Apparently he (1) initially missed his stop for the afterschool program and then (2) thought he was in the wrong afterschool program location. He was certain I wouldn't know where to come pick him up. Poor guy. I haven't been that heartbroken in a long, long time.

But I knew all the worry and drama had been quickly forgotten when Jacob woke up for his second day of school and exclaimed, "I can't believe I get to go to school again!" I took this as a good sign!

This year is all about the Ninja Turtles, obviously. Although you may not be able to tell, his lunch box matched his underwear.

 

Outside his classroom!

Jacob's seat at the all-boy's table. I LOVE Kindergarten classrooms!

 

I only cried a tiny bit after dropping Jacob off that first day. I was fine until I set him loose on the playground and walked away. As he ran towards the playground, he didn't look back at me once. As I headed towards the car, tears just came over me. I didn't really know why I was crying. But I couldn't stop. Maybe it was the realization that Jacob is one step closer to being independent from me? Five minutes and a skinny vanilla latte later, I was totally fine and ready to tackle my own day.

Now we've being doing this whole school thing for almost a week and in the four days since school has started I've already become sick and tired of making lunches everyday. And it looks like Jacob is going to have homework every single night. But he's an all-day Kindergartner....why the heck does he need homework? Oh and Jacob has already lost TWO sweaters at school! Ugh. This is a total pain in the ass because he has a uniform policy and I bought those two sweaters specifically to comply with that policy. I can't just send him to school in any old sweater. GRRRR!

Ryan has been enjoying having his grandma and his babysitter all to himself during the day. He asked where Jacob was once or twice but, other than that, he was fine being all on his own. I was definitely more emotional than he was about the fact that the kids would be apart from each other on a regular basis for the first time since Ryan was born.

Wanting to be a big boy like his brother, Ryan has been asking me to pack him a lunch for the day. He's quite the little independent man lately. He insists on dressing himself lately and I'm still amazed to see him disappear and then reappear wearing an outfit.

As much as he is a bog boy, he is very much my cuddly little baby. Ryan is very physical in all aspects. He expresses himself through touch and contact. When he is playful, he can be really aggressive. When he is tired or hurt, he needs touch. Every night when I lay next to him as he falls asleep, he reaches up and grasps my hands then he snuggles his head against my body. He falls asleep with his hands wrapped around mine. The other morning he woke up and crawled into my bed. As I slept, he began to pet my face and my hands. I'm still trying to figure out if that is creepy or sweet.

Yesterday I officially scheduled my C-section for baby number 3. Baby's birthday will be October 20th. I love knowing the birthday in advance. I don't love mentally preparing for C-sections, however. For most of my pregnancy, the thought of a second repeat C-section didn't bother me at all. I thought I would be an old pro and have little anxiety this time around. I think I was wrong.

This morning I pre-registered at Labor and Delivery and as the nurse was giving me instructions about not eating eight hours before hand and the proper way to shower before the procedure, I broke down and began to sob right in her office. Actually thinking about the details made it all seem so real and so close. The anxiety kicked in big time and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a complete wreck on October 20th. Ugh, I remember shivering uncontrollably on that operating table, completely naked and vulnerable and helpless, and being overcome by a paralyzing and uncontrollable anxiety. My mind kept telling me it would be ok, but the rest of me would not listen. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I'm so not looking forward to repeating that situation.

My First Baby Is Starting School

My first born starts school tomorrow. Kindergarten. He's never been to school before. No preschool or even daycare. We are definitely past due for school to start in this house. Last year, Jacob's fifth birthday was two days past the cut-off date for starting Kindergarten so we held him back. Although we didn't really have much of a choice, I think it has turned out to be a good thing.

As a working mom, I'm used to not being with my children all day. This is nothing new. It's not new for them and it's not new for me. So I'm not sure how I should be feeling about all this school stuff. Even though my life will go on as normal, things still feel DIFFERENT. I don't anticipate a big sob-fest after dropping him off tomorrow. Again, I'm used to being separated from him all day. But the fact that he is now a school-age child is certainly a sign of change and growth and the passing of time that would make any parent a little weepy and wistful.

Our last hurrah of the summer: an evening at the park. Special appearance: rainbow sherbert kids' cones.

There are also a whole new set of worries. Worries that I didn't anticipate that just kind of crept up on me. What if he gets hungry before lunch? What if he doesn't eat all his lunch and gets hungry later? What if he doesn't get on the right bus? How will he know what stop is his (afterschool care)? What if he can't sit still? What if HE feels sad?

Before bedtime tonight, I sat down with Jacob and carefully planned his lunch for tomorrow. I wanted him to be involved in the decision making so he would be more likely to eat whatever is packed. It feels odd to pack a school lunch. Am I really old enough to have kids who are old enough to be in elementary school? How can my first born already be embarking on this adventure into independence. Will he need me less and be less dependent on me?

Jacob is beyond excited. He has been excited for some time. I don't sense any hesitation or worry or sadness or anxiety within him. All I sense is excitement. This makes it so much easier for me to be excited for him. And so much easier for me to drop him off at school with the assurance that he will be just fine. And I'm sure I will be just fine too, despite the mess and mix of emotions that I'm still trying to sort out.

The Vulnerability Of Being Mom

Tonight, I lay down in the bottom bunk of my son's beds. I snuggled up to Ryan as he tossed and turned and violently surrendered to sleep. He's always fallen asleep violently. Never one to drift peacefully, he flails about his mattress in protest until sleep eventually overcomes him.

He finally fell asleep and I lay there in the quiet room, surrounded by children's toys and tokens of days past (gumball machines, lego creations, art drawings). I started to reflect on a topic that my mind frequents these days--what it will mean to bring a third boy into the world.

I started to feel overwhelmingly vulnerable. For many reasons. The most tangible and obvious reason is the fact that I'm facing my third C-section. Even though this will be my third, the fear of not surviving is as strong as it was the first time around when, after two hours of pushing, my doctor's words harshly cut across the anxiety-ridden delivery room to announce, "C-section in five minutes." Her voice was calm and matter-of-fact, but they erupted intense feelings of horror and helplessness. Up until that point, I had never anticipated that I would ever require such major surgery and I knew nothing about C-sections. It turns out that knowing brings little comfort.

So I look to my due date with a mix of excitement and fear. Hoping to hope that I will survive another one. Staring down the very unlikely but still real risk of death. I know the chances are more than great that I will be just fine. But nothing is guaranteed.

But even greater than this vulnerability is the vulnerability that is inherent in being a mother. It's taken me a while to fully understand the consequences of motherhood. Six years into this adventure, I think I can finally put my finger on it. Occasionally, usually prompted by the news headlines of some tragic event, I go to a morbid place and I imagine what would happen if I lost my children. Just the thought makes me feel vulnerable and helpless. I imagine that if I were to lose my children, I would break down. I'd shut down. I'd crawl into ball on the floor and want to never get back up.

Before I became a mom, I was an individual. Untied, untethered, in charge. I controlled my feelings. I controlled my future (or so I believed). I was strong and independent. But the second my first baby was born, everything changed. And I didn't even realize it. Suddenly, I was tethered to this new soul, an impenetrable tie that could not be seen.

My body has created two boys (three boys). They are individuals, with their own choices to make, their own lives to live, their own paths to travel. They will grow up, severe their ties to me, and move onward. But I will never be free again. I am no longer an individual in charge of my own fate and my own future and my own feelings. My will to live is and will forever be inextricably tied to them. They are my first thoughts every morning and my last thoughts every evening. My life is now governed by their well being and their very existence. And this is scary.

If anything bad happens to them, I will feel it tenfold. I survived just fine before them. But now that my heart has known them, I don't believe I could survive in their absence. I can't imagine wanting to. They make me vulnerable. Each one adds to my vulnerability. Before they were born, I could hold my happiness close and keep it carefully guarded. But now, my happiness is tied to them. Everything important in my life now exists outside my own body (well, I guess 2/3rds of everything important in my life). This exposes me to an entire new world of dangers and harms and horrible possibilities.

Sometimes the vulnerability is so overwhelming that I feel like I'm suffocating in it. I read blog posts and news headlines and Facebook statuses of tragedy and sadness and I feel like I am standing on a tiny plank hovering above a deep crevasse. All it would take is a strong wind to knock me down. Strong winds appear to be randomly knocking down people around me. Even those who are faithful to God are subject to these tragedies. No one is safe from sadness and hardship and tragedy. And being a mother only ensures one thing: the pain of tragedy will be stronger.

I've been trying to think of a way to end this post on a happy note. But nothing feels genuine. Despite the darkness of this post, however, my heart is happy and full. The boys make me that way. They have given me a type of love that I never knew until I became a mom. And yes, it's a selfless, vulnerable love entirely dependent upon things beyond my control, but it's also the most fulfilling love that there is.

The Great Staycation of 2014

I'm currently enjoying the exact midpoint of a week-long "vacation." This has been my first week-long vacation, probably since my maternity leave in 2012. But geez, it's been anything but slow-paced. We originally had planned a four day get-away down along the Oregon coast but had to scrap those plans when we realized that, although Jacob doesn't start school this week, he had several back-to-school activities on the calendar.

Plan B was quickly formed. Plan B turned out to be a staycation in Seattle. We live an hour-long ferry boat ride from Seattle but we rarely venture into the city. It's always such a long trip with the ferry rides. There must usually be a very compelling reason to get us to head to the big city. As it turns out, a two night staycation is the perfect reason!

Ferry ride

My husband was sick the first night so I headed out to the city alone with the kids. Just my 32 week pregnant self, a meticulously packed double stroller, and two kids. I thought it was going to be a disaster but the kids were very well-behaved. My guess is that this had something to do with all the new sights, activities, and adventures.

Miner's Landing

 

We spared no splurges. So of COURSE we rode the carrousel. I don't remember carrousels going so fast, or maybe it's the fact that there is another human protruding from my front, but I almost lost my balance several times.

Walking Pike Place Market for the first time that day. I LOVE this stroller. We have a double Mountain Buggy. This thing is intense. I've taken it hiking on steep, rocky terrain. I've run with it on every kind of trail/path you can imagine. But it has also proven to be an amazing everyday, city stroller as well. It turns so easily and feels light, even when it is carrying 70+ pounds of children. This is my absolute favorite possession on earth.

It was really awesome to see the city through the kids' eyes. Everything was new and interesting. Even the boring old things I had passed a million times during my Seattle commute days. The mundane became enthralling. The simplest things captivated their attentions and inspired their admiration. Kids are simply the best. And so are staycations! I've decided that staycations are awesome for at least three reasons: (1) you already know all the best places/attractions to visit, (2) you already know how to get everywhere and the best modes of transportation for doing so, and (3) the money you save on mileage/airfare can be spent on fun little splurges.

The city became Jacob's playground.

And I couldn't resist a picture with my celebrity boyfriend. Hey, he ran into MY lips.

 

The "Gum Wall" in Post Alley. The walls are COVERED in chewed gum. Some people were very creative and wrote their name in long strings of chewed up gum. The kids thought this was AWESOME. I'm pretty sure they loved this more than any of the expensive attractions. Go figure.

 

Jacob made his contribution to the Gum Wall.

My favorite story from the first day stars Ryan's special blanket. Ryan has a special fleece blanket that I sewed for him (see photos of the stroller above for a picture of blankie). One side has Elmo and the other side has monkeys on it. He sleeps with it every night. It goes wherever we go. It is the fifth member of our family. On our long walk to the hotel, it must have somehow slipped out of the stroller, un-noticed, while Ryan was napping.

We got to the hotel room, dropped off our stuff, went out to eat, then did a little shopping. We still hadn't noticed it was missing. After dinner we walked back downtown to the big Ferris wheel (my 32 week pregnant self did a HECK of a lot of walking and stroller pushing, I deserve some kind of award!).

As we were walking along to the waterfront, I spied a familiar object sitting in a basket attached to a bicycle that was parked on the street. The bike looked like it belonged to a "residentially challenged" person. The bike basket had a tambourine, a box of leftover food, and a pair of pants. Sitting on the very top looked like a blanket similar to Ryan's. "That's a coincidence", I thought and kept walking, "someone has a blanket like Ryan's." It took me a full second to realize that no one could have the same blanket as Ryan because I MADE his blanket!

I stared at the blanket in disbelief. "OMG, that's Ryan's blanket!" I checked all the nooks and crannies of the stroller to confirm that our blanket was indeed not there. I was in shock. I hadn't even noticed it was missing! And it had been about four hours since we must have dropped it. How insane that it would happen to appear right in front of us! This left me in an awkward position. The owner of the bike was nowhere to be seen. I thought I would find him/her and convince him/her to trade the blanket for a couple dollars. I wondered if I would have to plead and beg. Ryan saw his blanket and immediately started asking me for it in a sad puppy-dog voice.

I stood and stood. I looked around. And around. And around. I couldn't find anyone who might be the owner of the bike. A couple people were staring at me like I was a madwoman. And that's exactly how I felt. But I didn't know what else to do. That blankie is Ryan's prized possession. So...I did what I believe any mother would do. I reached in the homeless person's bike basket, sheepishly retrieved the blankie, and continued walking away as quickly as I could. I'm sure I looked strange. But all I could feel was relief at knowing that a disaster had been averted and Ryan's blankie was safe (although dirty and probably covered in germs). I also felt bad that the homeless person was minus a blanket...but not THAT bad.

I was still recovering from the whole ordeal as we made our second trip to Pike Place Market and down to the Great Wheel.

The famous Pike Place Pig. Ryan was perched precariously on his back and I was sure he would tumble down any moment. That didn't stop me from taking advantage of the photo-op.

 

We found this cool little park near our hotel. It's amazing how much a city changes when you don't visit it for nearly a year!

 

 

The kids were sad our hotel didn't have a pool (I don't know if any of the downtown hotels have one). So we improvised.

 

 

Ryan passed out quickly. It's hard work being pushed in a stroller all day!

 

 

Our first day was so much fun. That night was a different story, however. After dinner, I got sick myself. Runny nose, horrendous sore throat, fever, and chills. I somehow managed to tuck the kids into bed in a sickly stupor and then I simultaneously shivered and burned to death in my bed. I was so miserable. I don't remember being that sick in a long time. I was still wide awake at 2am. I felt like my head was going to explode from being so hot while my body shivered incessantly. I finally snuck out of the hotel room and found a vending machine in the lobby that dispensed Tylenol. I felt better after that but it was still a rough night.

The next morning the kids and I had breakfast at Starbucks. It was so fun to be out and about in the city with them.

Then we headed out to the Seattle Center to walk in the shadow of the Space Needle and hang out at the Science Center. To get there, we took to Monorail from Westlake Center. Aside from the Gum Wall, this may have been the highlight of their trip.

 

The shadow of the Needle.

 

 

I hadn't been to the Science Center since I was...probably 6. I remember my mom taking me to a brand new dinosaur exhibit featuring moving dinosaur displays. I was so happy to discover that the same exhibit was still a permanent feature! It was just as I remembered, except much, much smaller and much less scary.

 

There was a very cool bug exhibit which even had an 85 degree butterfly house. I almost died in the humidity of the butterfly house. But the kids loved getting up close and personal with the butterflies.

Then we saw a 3-D Imax movie about lemurs. Ryan refused to wear the 3D glasses after I snapped this picture. But that didn't stop him from enjoying watching blurry "monkeys" jump around the screen. He passed out in my arms halfway through and I nearly lost a limb from lack of blood circulation.

Later that day we met up with dad (thank goodness for reinforcements!). And took obligatory Space Needle photos.

I love this little man and his grin. For him, I'd stick my arms in a homeless man's bicycle basket any day!

My loves :)

 



Overall, it was an exhausting but fantastic trip! I loved sharing the city with them. Maybe we will return in a couple years when we are a family of five.

One Day Down!

I wish, wish, wish I could talk about my trial. I just finished day one and it has been an incredible, informative, amazing, and challenging experience.

30 weeks. A ridiculous sight:

Coming home and taking off my tights and my suit was the most amazing feeling EVER. Now, after a ten hour day, I get to unwind and do nothing trial related for an hour before I have to dive back into preparing for tomorrow. I forgot how much work this is! My brain feels like a large puddle of goo from all the thinking and strategizing and analyzing it has done all day. It's true what they say: your brain is a muscle! Wait, do people say that?

And now I must don a cloak of silence and not talk about my exciting trial adventures. But take note, they are VERY EXCITING!

A Kids-Chores-Work Omelette

After today, I seriously need a weekend from my weekend.

This morning Jacob asked if we could go to our favorite breakfast place, The Pancake House. My husband wasn't interested but when I realized I wouldn't have much quality time with the boys this week (trial!), I decided it might be a good idea. So I took the boys on a mommy-son breakfast date.

We colored the kid's menu. We played tic-tac-toe. I coaxed Ryan off the floor five times. I stopped Jacob from drinking approximately 15 half-n-half shots. I picked up a pancake that Ryan threw into the booth next door. I mediated about a dozen fights, one involving Ryan shooting a rubber band in Jacob's face (no idea where that came from). I finished a cup of coffee, picked all the berries off the kids' face pancakes (seriously? the berries are the best part!). So...overall, it was a successful (although not relaxing, by any means) breakfast.

After breakfast we went to Target for Jacob's first back-to-school shopping experience. And my first one in probably 10 years. There is nothing more excited or elating than brand new school supplies! Ahh, the memories! I splurged a little and let Jacob pick out a new Ninja Turtle backpack and matching lunchbox. Then I was a softy and, after several puppy-dog-eyed-glances and sad pace pouts, let Ryan have a Ninja Turtle lunchbox as well. It was a fun experience...until we got to the checkout and I saw the price tag for everything...YIKES. I did also buy groceries and clothes for both kids (including Jacob's uniform outfits), so I guess I didn't make out too badly.

We got home at noon and the rest of the day was a huge whirlwind of chores. I sterilized and scrubbed the boys' mattresses (they smelled like pee- ew!), washed all their bedding and dirty clothes and ended up doing four loads of laundry in total. I haven't even done MY laundry yet, ugh.

Then I logged into my computer and hammered out two hours of work. Not uninterrupted, of course. I finished a motion for directed verdict (yay, trial!) while mediating several fights over toys, issuing time-out warrants, preparing lunches and snacks, switching my four loads of laundry from the washer to the drier, and cleaning up after the kids.

Then I got to put away all the laundry and make all the beds and tidy all the rooms and direct the kids in the cleaning of ALL THE TOYS (no small feat). Then prepare dinner (during which I spilled boiling butter all over my belly and nearly melted into a puddle on the kitchen floor). Then serve dinner. Then clean the dishes. My stretching abdomen muscles started acting up during all of this so while I was working I was holding my belly up and wincing in pain. I feel like such a wuss, but simple every day tasks (anything that involved bending over) take so much effort when you are 30 weeks pregnant.

The boys playing "dress up"

Now, we're getting the kids ready for bed and I'm hoping to rest for a minute or two before I have to hit the computer again.

In other news, tomorrow is the first day of a big civil employment law trial that I am co-chairing. The trial is in federal court and I'm both thrilled beyond measure and dying from anxiety at the same time. We had a pre-trial conference last week and just sitting in the big fancy, marble courtroom in front of a Ninth Circuit judge started to make me feel giddy. I've been tasked with voir dire tomorrow and after that, I won't have much of a role (other than jotting and passing notes) until Wednesday and Thursday when I'll be examining my five witnesses.

Holy moley, I'm so excited. I still can't believe my boss and colleagues have entrusted me with such big tasks for this trial. In my experience in private practice, most associates don't get much trial experience because the partners like to take all the fun and glory. So the fact that I'm a fourth year (and just a temporary employee at that!) who is co-chairing a big deal trial in federal court means a whole lot to me and I totally appreciate the opportunity that my bosses are giving me. I just hope I don't royally screw up and lose the case for us- which is actually a possibility if I bomb my witness examinations! YIKES!

I can't wait until next week, when my part of the trial is over and I can coast through, not just the rest of the trial but the rest of my work assignments until baby gets here. It will be SUCH a relief and I'll be able to really enjoy the rest of the summer, stress free. Well, until the next big case comes along. Hopefully when that happens, I will be a permanent employee (fingers crossed!).

I've helped prepare for several trials in my short legal career. I've just never been that involved in the actual trial part (except for a minor role examining one witness in a small personal injury case). This whole process has really solidified my passion for litigation. I'm actually worried that when the trial is over, I'll experience a huge letdown and become really bored with my day to day legal work. I love the rush and strategy of litigation. When I applied to lawschool I NEVER imagined in a million years that I'd be a trial attorney (much less enjoying being a trial attorney), I can seriously see (after more experience) myself doing just trials and trial consulting for the rest of my professional career.