Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Doing Time...Out

When I get home from work, the first thing I usually encounter is a recounting of Jacob's behavior of the entire day...given by him....and totally unprompted. When he looks sheepish, I know he has a time-out or two to report. Other times, he will smile wide and exclaim, "I was so good! No time-outs today!" It cracks me up that he feels compelled to tattle on himself.

Although he is pretty good about giving me an honest report card, it's never easy trying to get any details out of the guy! This is precisely why four year olds are not allowed to testify:

Jake: "Mommy, I had to go to time-out four times today."
Me: "Well, what happened? Why did you have to go to time out?"
Jake: "I had to go to time out the first time because Cousin1 was screaming. Then I had to go another time because Cousin2 took away Cousin1's toys. Then another time, Cousin2 was jumping on the furniture so I had to get in trouble. And...I can't remember the rest."

I would love, just for hilarity's sake, to get all the cousins in a room and take turns cross-examining them. Fingers would be pointing in all directions. Hmmm, it's interesting...the similarity between kids and clients.

Speaking of clients and work, I had an incredibly frustrating day today. I left my house at 11:45 a.m. for a 1:30 hearing in a different city. Although it should have been simple and quick, I didn't pick up the kids until 6:30. Not only did the hearing start late but, even though I was there for a simple "housekeeping" matter, ours was the very last case called. So I sat there for 3 hours and listened to all the other attorneys. What's worse is that I had only eaten one piece of toast and one measley yogurt all day. It's hard to listen to bullsh*t for three hours on an empty stomach!

Listening to other attorneys never ceases to shock me. I can't believe the shit judges have to put up with! I overheard one attorney repeatedly swear and rag on his opposing counsel to his client. Gee, I wonder why people hate attorneys! After one particularly painful hearing, an attorney on the losing side made snarky comments to the judge about how unethical opposing counsel's behavior was (btw, it was so definitely NOT unethical) and then even accused the judge of making a borderline unethical ruling. I don't know what planet THESE people come from, but I pretty much thought it was a universal rule that you do NOT insult the judge?! Right? Am I crazy?!

Then during another hearing, one attorney was very upset things weren't going his way and kept making sarcastic comments, complete with grandious and dramatic hand gestures to portray his exasperation with the court and the other party. He even made the pro-se party on the other side (who declared through sobs that she is undergoing cancer treatment) cry during the hearing! Things were so surreal that I forgot I was watching real court hearings. I'm sure I noticibly gasped and chuckled as if I was in the audience of a Judge Judy taping.

My favorite hearings of the day were the ones involving pro-se parties. One pro-se party asked the court to strike the other side's supporting declaration on the basis that he didn't know the person signing the declaration. To top it off, this guy had the squeakiest shoes on the planet. They didn't make a normal squeaky noise though. They made a mini-whoopie cushion fart noise each time he took a step toward or away from the bench.

After three hours of THAT. My head hurt from all the ridiculousness and my butt hurt from three hours of sitting. And when we finally were called, we discovered that our hearing had to be continued anyway. Geez! At least I learned a lot about how NOT to behave before a judge.

As if I hadn't had enough circus for one day, when I picked up the kids, Jacob was dressed like this:

He refused to take the wig off even for a quick trip to the grocery store, during the middle of which, somewhere between dried cereal and baking supplies, he loudly screamed that he "had to POOP!" When I asked if he could hold it until we paid for groceries, he screamed even louder (to the joy of everyone around us) "NO, THERE IS A HUGE POOP TRYING TO COME OUT OF MY BUTT. I'M POOPING OUT MY CHICKEN AND RICE."

It was lovely.

And Ryan was, as always, such a breeze. He is such an easy and happy baby that he barely makes the blog anymore.


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