Monday, May 20, 2013

Step One: I Have An Eating Disorder

I've been hiding a part of me for nearly a decade. Ten years of struggling. I'm terrified to share it now. I haven't told a single soul. But the deeper this secret lies, the easier it is to pretend that everything is normal.

I've spent ten years going out of my way to hide this. So it's very hard to finally share it. For that reason, I've hesistated pushing the "publish" button on this post. I'm afraid for people to know. Afraid of what they will think. I'm also ashamed. And afraid of disgust. All these years I've shrouded myself in a falseness. And all I really want now is to be the person that people think I am. If you know me in real life, please keep my not-so-secret as I slowly come to terms with this whole thing.

I have an eating disorder. It took me ten years to admit that because, until recently, I had convinced myself that it was no big deal. I'm not anorexic. I'm not bulemic. I do something much more disgusting. It's so absolutely ridiculous that it's hard to even type.

I chew food and spit it out. Like, lots of food. Candy mostly. Chocolate. Cookies. I've perfected this skill. Even worse, I've perfected the art of hiding this skill. I can do this in pure daylight. In the middle of a public space. In one sitting, I can spit my way through 36 granola bars, an incredibly large bag of chocolate, or an entire box of cookies. Or, on particularly bad days, all three. I do it until my tongue is raw and my jaw is sore. I fill plastic bags full of spit-up food and then go out of my way to hide them until I can dispose of them in secret. I do this nearly every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. For almost ten years.

I'm not sugar coating anything. It's as disgusting as it sounds. And there are no excuses.

Why? I don't know. I'm not depressed or anxious. I am happy about my life. I am generally happy about my appearance, although a little frustrated about the permanent squish hovering around my belly button (thank you my beautiful children, you are well worth it). I don't have any other eating disorders. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I eat plenty. I eat anything. Although I maintain a general idea of my daily calorie consumption I don't count calories or obsess over them. I enjoy cake at parties. I drink beer and wine during happy hour. I don't make myself throw up if I think I eat too much. I don't over exercise. The rest of me is generally healthy.

So why this? Why? I don't know. I think I do it because, well, I LIKE to. In the past ten years, I've never really wanted to stop. Well maybe I've tried to stop here or there. But in the span of just two hours I would convince myself that I need it and I like it and it's not bad. I always tell myself that I can stop if I want to, it's just a matter of wanting to. But maybe that's the problem. I can't stop because I can't convince myself I want to stop.

This is why I'm afraid of people finding out about my secret. If people know I do this, then it will be harder to hide it and then I won't be able to do it. My worst nightmare is the fear of not having any candy or chocolate in the house when an attack hits me. And so I stock pile it. And when junk food is in the house, I cannot help myself. It's a self-fulfilling cycle.

I never started thinking about how serious this was until recently. One day I was listening to an ad on the radio for substance abuse/addiction counseling. The description of the alcoholic portrayed in the ad fit me perfectly. Excuses. Shame. Secretive behavior. Inability to control both my actions and what I desire. It was a wake up a call. I am an alcoholic. Just with food. I have a problem. It controls my life.

Why am I telling everyone this? I dont know. What will people think? I don't know that either. I know what I would think: What makes an apparently fully functioning person who is a wife, a mom, and a lawyer, engage in this type of crazy behavior. How can someone who is supposed to be educated and a role model and make good life decisions constantly choose to do someting like this?

It's scary to let go of a secret you've kept and fought to hide for nearly ten years. And I'm pretty sure that most people don't even know about this type of eating disorder. I didn't even know it was an actual thing until I Googled it tonight- it is called, not so shockingly, Chewing and Spitting or CHSP. Where do I go from here? Will I ever have the courage to tell people who are close to me face to face. Those closest to me and who do not read this blog (i.e. most people in my life) still will not know about it.

All I know is that this really is an illness and that I have a long road ahead of me. This post is just Step One. And it's time to really do something.

13 comments:

  1. You are really brave to talk about this here. And everyone struggles with something. Baby is waking up... more later. But wanted to let you know we care about you, we're not disgusted with you, and you ARE the person we think you are.

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  2. I am not disgusted. Just proud that you write and shared this.

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  3. Disgusting? No. Human? Yes. We are all human, we are all struggling to figure it out and put it all together, just in different ways.

    Good luck beginning this new journey!

    Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

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  4. Everyone has a problem in their life. It is courageous of you to be able to speak out about yours. I hope you're able to get the help you need.

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  5. You ARE brave for writing about this here - it definitely sounds like a step in the right directly, and we're all here to help you work through it.

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  6. Don't be embarrassed and disgusted. I have recently discovered I have a binge eating disorder.

    'I am an alcoholic. Just with food. I have a problem. It controls my life.'

    This I totally understand. You're not alone and loving yourself is the first step. Not embarrassment. Nobody is perfect and we all hide things. Acknowledging it is the first step.

    I have a huge amount of respect for you. This confession doesn't change that at all.

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  7. Trying to make dinner so gotta just pull two quick dittos: we care about you, we're not disgusted with you, and you ARE the person we think you are.

    And

    I have a huge amount of respect for you. This confession doesn't change that at all.

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  8. I think we (and by "we" I mean everyone, but especially us Type A overachieving lawyers) forget that the people we know well DO see us for who we are, and who you ARE isn't your eating disorder. It might be part of you, and has been for a while, but it isn't you. So how can it possibly change how we see you? You are CP: funny, smart, baby-loving, c-section fearing, duck lip-making CP. And we will always love reading your stories.

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  9. I agree with the above and will add that you are beautiful. I noticed when you were pregnant you hinted at some body issues and I remember thinking "she's so pretty and has a great pregnant body" and being sad you didnt feel that way.

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  10. And best of luck to you and your family as you confront this. You are very brave.

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  11. You did good, CP. As someone who has her own food issues, thank you.

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  12. I'm so behind--just read this! Good for you for sharing and letting the light shine in on this struggle. That def is step one--a step in the right direction. Personally I don't think it's disgusting--kinda makes sense to me--like chewing gum but in much more awesome flavors. Anyway, hope you find some good support and help through this!

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  13. There's a solution to every problem. The first step in finding a solution is to admit and accept that there's a problem. You're not the only one stuck in this kind of condition. If you can't handle and solve it yourself, then, you must seek professional help. It's never a sign of weakness when asking for help from others. It is one act of bravery.

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