Saturday, December 7, 2013

How The Mom Stole Christmas

Every boy in the house liked Christmas a lot
But pick up their things and behave, they DID NOT.
Their Mom hated toys and the whole commercial season
You want to know why? I'll give you the reason

It could be that Mommy stepped on legos each night
It could be that Mommy's budget was a little too tight
Which explains why she could not go to the mall
and replace her mom jeans that were three sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, the legos or jeans,
While she sat in the bathroom cleaning pee off the latrine
Staring down at the seat, she pulled her hair and she cried
She steamed from the ears as her face went cross-eyed
For she could hear the boys in the room just next door
Dumping all their toys out onto the floor

"And they're coloring on their walls" she snarled with a sob
"and leaving poop-stained underwear on the door knob!"
Then she growled with her fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For on Christmas, she knew the disobedient boys
would wake up bright and early to find piles of new toys
And then! Oh the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise!
Because Santa will come, rain or shine, Christmas night
Even if all the boys did all year was FIGHT! And FIGHT!

Each boy would tackle the stockings and gifts under the tree
And toss wrapping paper pieces like a wild banshee
And then they'd do something she liked least of all!
Every boy in the house, the tall and the small
would clutch closely their toys, all glittering and shining
She'd ask them to share and they all would start whining!
They'd whine! And they'd wine! 
And they'd whine! Whine! Whine! Whine!

And the more the Mom thought of the whole crazy ordeal 
the more the Mom thought, "I must stop this for real!
"For too many years, I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!...But HOW?"

Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" She yowled through her yap
As she quickly made plans for a Santy Claus trap.

And she chuckled, and clucked, "What a great sneaky trick!
"With my grand, foolproof plan, I'll lock up that Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a chimney..." The Mom said as she guzzled some wine.
"A cardboard box, chicken wire, and some twine!
For when the kids see that St. Nick has forgotten
Maybe, just maybe, they will stop being so rotten!"

So the Mom plotted and planned all night and all day
She created a Pinterest board to help pave the way

And when it was time, the Mom's eyes glowed infrared
and she tucked her unsuspecting boys way deep in their bed

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the boys were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
The Mom gobbled Santa's cookies, washed down with some rum
She hiccuped and giggled and prepared for the fun

"This is step number one!" The elated Mom hissed
As she clutched her well-laid plans in her fist.
Then she picked up the scissors snipped away with rage 
And began the construction to make Santa's cage

And as she was snipping and snapping and snupping
She stopped what she was doing when she thought she heard something
From the dark boys' room, she heard a little boy's prayer
and his gentle, soft voice soon filled the air

"Dear Santa," the boy started to say
"I have not been a very good boy today.
In fact I have had a pretty bad year.
So I completely understand if you leave no presents here."

"But please Santa please, I was doing my best
to toughen up my younger brother by being a pest
And the messes I made were not messes at all
They were forts and castles and towers and walls."

"Mommy says I was bad, but I just don't understand
Everything seems different to me where I stand
And those time I don't listen, I don't mean to disobey
So please Santa please come to our house Christmas Day."

And the Mom, with her evil-grinch glow 
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "Could it really be so?"
That maybe my boys aren't naughty and bad
Maybe they just have selective hearing like their dad?
Maybe these kids are just doing what little kids do
Maybe they're supposed to act like they live in a zoo?

And what happened then...? Well...I'll tell you what they say
The elastic in the Mom's jeans Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute that happened, she became much less uptight
and her cold frigid heart warmed all through the night
She thought of the times that her kids were quite sweet
Playing games, goofy smiles, sticky hugs were a treat

Her anger escaped and suddenly it became very clear
She wouldn't stop Santa from coming, at least not this year
She put away the scissors and wire and twine
And generously left St. Nick what was left of her wine.
The Mom hopped under her covers, happy thoughts floating in her head 
Content not knowing her kids had just peed their bed.

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