Sunday, June 21, 2015

Life Goes On, Careless To Our Turmoil

My mother in law is dying of cancer. For eight long, tough years she fought its relentless scourge. Treatments were harsh and took their toll. And yet she fought on, and was awarded the much-deserved Remission status. But Remission didn't last very long. It came back. Life seemed normal (to us anyway) for a year or two. But every time things appeared great, another obstacle struck.

Last week, when faced with disappointing news, she made the decision to stop fighting. She's at home, confined to a bed, just hanging on until she is claimed by a force much larger than she. She probably doesn't have many days left. She appears just a shell of her typically strong and commanding self.

She amazes me and I love her story. She met my father-in-law in the Philippines while he was in the Navy. After a very quick courtship, they had a shotgun wedding so she could come to America. From what I understand of her story, my father-in-law was deployed when she came to America for the first time, speaking little English, not knowing a soul. She met my father-in-law's parents, people she had never met before, at the airport that first time she set foot on American soil. She lived with them, among strange people, in strange country, far from family and home. My husband was born while she lived with her in-laws and while my father-in-law was in and out of the country on deployments. She was brave, strong, courageous.

I don't see that person now, as she sinks into the many folds of a hospital gown, eyes closed and primarily sleeping. Too weak to clear her throat. She's leaving and she won't be with us much longer.

I want to comfort her but I have no idea what to say. My mind is completely blank as I sit by her bed. I want to tell her thank you. She gave me the thing I love and treasure most. The thing from which all my greatest treasures of my life have come. She gave me my husband. He's responsible and loving, smart and caring, funny and fun. He's a lot like her in many ways. He's my best companion. My best friend. She has given me everything. And yet, I sit by her side and can tell her nothing.

The words are too profound to speak. I only have such a short time left to communicate with her. I may only have days left to express all the gratitude I feel. If there is anything I will ever want to say to her, I have to say it now. But I just don't have the words. I don't know what profound thing I want to say to her, if anything. And I worry that I won't find the words to do so in time.

I don't know her as well as I would have liked. I had hoped that time would have given me the same close relationship with her that she had with her own mother-in-law. But that never happened. And now, it looks like it will never happen.

As her end comes near, there is sadness everywhere. It's mostly unspoken. In my husband's silent eyes. In my father-in-law's dutiful actions. We've never done this before. Faced imminent death. It's hard and uncertain. It's hard to wait for someone to die. The grief is protracted and gripping. And yet, life goes on. I am expected to go to meetings. To prepare for hearings. To cook meals. To go grocery shopping. To celebrate Father's Day. To live as if everything is normal. But it's not. Nothing is normal.

It all just hurts.

7 comments:

  1. You do too know what to say: ". I want to tell her thank you. She gave me the thing I love and treasure most. The thing from which all my greatest treasures of my life have come. She gave me my husband. He's responsible and loving, smart and caring, funny and fun. He's a lot like her in many ways. He's my best companion. My best friend. She has given me everything." I am so sorry for you and your family.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain your family must be feeling.

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  3. I imagine the fact that you take the time to sit with her speaks volumes to her.

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  4. I think what you have written is kind of a letter to her. I would just read what you have written and omit any part that you feel would be painful. It is a beautiful letter.

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  5. Just being with her and if you can hold her hand. Tell her thank you for everything. You appreciated her life here on earth it meant so much to you. Let her go knowing how valued her life was on earth. It is scary but you can do it. It will be life altering. Much love.

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  6. I hope you find a way to speak your heart to her before it's too late. But I'm sure on some level she already knows how you feel and how much you cherish your family and her role in your lives. So sorry for what you all are going through - death is unutterably awful.

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  7. A friend is going through something similar (it's her toddler who has cancer) and I have opened up a fresh email window or picked up the phone to call hundreds of times without following through because I don't know what to say. I keep thinking that there's nothing words can do. I'm sorry you're faced with this situation. It must be very difficult to face the decline of a woman who has conquered many tough situation and the loss of a woman who has done so much to make your life great. *hugs*

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