Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Coincidentally, on the same day that I gave my two-weeks' notice to my boss, CM posted tips from her own giving notice experience and Corporette posted an insightful article that pretty much sums up  my day, "How To Tell Your Beloved Boss You're Quitting." Unfortunately, these posts were just hours too late for me.

Since being offered the job, I have been filled with one emotion: dread. Dread for having to tell my mentor/boss. So I walked into the office this morning, asked my boss if I could talk to him, closed the door, and ripped the band-aid off. I assumed a rush of relief and excitement would take over after letting my news out of the bag. But it didn't.

For some reason, I just have this nagging, horrible sense that I am doing the wrong thing. As I wrap up my cases, these are the only thoughts running through my head "will I regret this?" "is this the wrong choice?" "do I ALREADY regret this?" "Oh God, what have I done?"

I can see two paths being laid out before me. Five years into the future, I could be an experienced and seasoned trial attorney, having built a strong rapport with insurance claim representatives and with a couple trials under my belt. I would enjoy my work and find it challenging. But I would continue to hate my commute. I wouldn't see as much of my kids. I would probably miss out on a bunch of children's activities. I could be happy in this future. It looks hard but rewarding. Just months ago, this is the future I had always planned on.

But now I'm suddenly de-railed. My future is uncertain. For the next six months, I have guaranteed employment doing something entirely different (more like general counsel work). In that time, I'll have essentially no commute. I'll be home before 5:00pm every day! I'll have regular hours and medical benefits. I'll have no billable hours. And I'll have the opportunity to try something new and potentially open the door to long term work in my backyard. After those six months, however, nothing is guaranteed. I have no idea if I will like this work although I've always assumed that I would. I could be enjoying long term government employment in five years. Or I could be unemployed and struggling with overwhelming debt.

As I wrap up my cases, I'm suddenly nostalgic and sentimental. The cases that were the source of all my evil thoughts are now quaint little things that I will miss. For all the times I've complained about my boss, I really enjoy his mentorship and appreciate the opportunities he has given me. I've always wanted to make him happy and have his respect. Now I feel like I'm letting him down.

As I was leaving my boss' office he said, "Can I ask you a personal question. Do I yell too much? Did I scare you off?" I was a little taken aback by this statement. And I kid you not I said, "It's not you, it's me." Why does quitting feel an awfully lot like breaking up? I'm going to take a tip from Corporette's post and write a handwritten thank you note for his mentorship. Hopefully, no doors will be closed behind me when I leave.

I honestly did not expect to feel this way. My stomach is tangled in knots. I'm trying to trust that everything will work out. But I just can't shake this hesistant and trepid feeling.

On a happy note, my new boss has officially set up my "swearing in." I did not realize that I would have to be sworn in to work for the County. That sounds so official and exciting. I just might also get a badge like the permanent employees. How cool would that be?!