What they post: "Here is a picture of the amazing dinner I made!"
What I say: "That looks so good!"
What I want to say: "OMG. You make dinner? And it turns out edible? You deserve to be on the front page of a newspaper. NOT."
What they post: "My baby is the cutest baby ever! I love him/her."
What I say: "Cute."
What I want to say: "I'm so glad you love your own kid. If you didn't, that would be a problem. Also. Your kid isn't really that cute. Mom glasses are about as strong as drunk goggles."
What they post: "This is the workout I'm doing today: 5 miles, 50 push ups, 2,000 kettlebells."
What I say: "You go girl."
What I want to say: "Stop bragging bitch. Sit down and eat some donuts like the rest of us."
What they post: "I cant wait for tomorrow because my parents are coming to visit I havent seen them since last christmas it has been way to long they are on there way right now to see my hubby and I."
What I say: [nothing]
What I want to say: "You are 33 years old. It's called PUNCTUATION."
Also, for the love of God internet-land, sometimes it is actually NOT correct to say "[blank] and I." !!!!!!!!!!!!!
What they post: "Getting our drink on!"
What I say: "Have fun!"
What I want to say: "This is the f*cking fourth weekend in a row that you have been out on a girls' night. Your husband must be WHIPPED. Also can you pretend your social life sucks as much as mine for just ONE weekend?"
What they post: "My baby woke me up at 6:00 a.m. I'm so tired!"
What I say: [biting tongue]
What I want to say: "I wake up at 5:45 a.m. every morning. Also, try having a baby in law school sometime."
What they post: "I have the best hubby ever! He is so handsome and he takes me on five star vacations and he buys me motorcycles, and here are five thousand photos to prove it!"
What I say: "You two make a cute couple."
What I want to say: "There really is a limit on how much of my own puke I can swallow."
What they say: "I'm so glad we chose to do cloth diapers! I'm saving the environment and I'm keeping harsh chemicals away from my baby!"
What I say: "I could never spend all day scraping poop out of diapers, but go you!"
What I want to say: "I'm so glad you're better than everyone else and totally unashamed to tell us all! Also, I can't wait until you catch your chemical-free child smoking pot some day!"
What they say: "[insert judgy/snobby comment]"
What I say: "I don't agree."
What I want to say: "I wish I could bitch-slap you. Just once."