Saturday, February 22, 2014

How To Make A Penis Cake (And Live To Tell About It)

Congratulations! You just found the most useful culinary tutorial in the whole wide world! Consider yourself extremely fortunate. By the end of this post, you will know how to make a penis cake. If you are like me, then every singe day of your life since high school has been plagued by one foreboding question: how in the heck will you possibly get through life without having to buy a penis cake pan?! Well, you should go buy a lottery ticket RIGHT THIS MINUTE because....this is your lucky day!

Penis Cake: A Tutorial of Great Length (and girth)

The secret tools for constructing a penis cake are simple: one 8x8 inch pan and one 4.5 x 8.5 inch pan. The dimensions don't have to be precise. As long as you have something vaguely shaft-shaped and something squarish, you have everything it takes to cook up one delicious satan scepter!


On to the cake batter. I believe the reasoning behind my choice of cake batter is pretty obvious. Who doesn't love funfetti in their mouth (or in the world of rampant copyright infringement lawsuits, "party rainbow chips!" Seriously? Party rainbow chips? My three favorite things in the entire world all crammed together in a verbal oreo cookie!) Everything is better with funfetti party rainbow chips, especially peni. 

Plus Betty Cocker makes some pretty serious claims:


Now that the type of cake batter has been settled, it is time to get to work. Read the back of the box and mix the cake as instructed. In my case, this required one cup of water, half a cup of vegetable oil, and three eggs. Mix it all up until you have testicle-riffic penis batter!

This next step is a MUST. You absolutely have to taste-test the batter. Just dip your finger right in. Try not to be grossed out by the way the batter oozes off your finger.


Does anyone know if there is a contest for the most horrendous looking kitchen in the world? Because I would like to enter. My two-toned fake brick tiles with a non-matching backsplash and white 100 year old handmade cabinets with lime green doors would take the cake! Oh, speaking of cake.....

Pour the batter evenly into your cake pans. Beware of rougue penis batter. It gets everywhere. 


Next, bake your cakes according to the instructions on the box. Or, if you're like me, forget to set the timer and just check on them randomly. Yes, you heard that right. The entire fate of my penis cake rests soley in the hands of my absented-minded scatterbrain. But it's OK. I'm a professional (scatterbrain, that is).

When your cakes are done, cut the square piece as shown below. Cut around the blue as indicated. The blue pieces will be used for the cake. The remainder of the square cake can be discarded (who am I kidding, shove the scraps in your mouth like a chipmunk and enjoy those warm party rainbow chips- trust me, you're going to need the energy for the last steps). 


Assemble your penis. If you are a devout soul and have a hard time saying the word penis, feel free to call it "God's pinky finger." I won't tell. And I'll only judge you a little bit. 

TA-DA!


I decided to use some of the extra scraps of cake to make an anatomically correct ridge going down the center of the shaft. Now, before you go on and start asking how I have the skill and knowledge to assemble such a meticulously accurate, biologically precise, perfectly proportioned (and nearly photographic) penis sculpture, let me just remind you....I live with three penises. I have penises coming out of eyeballs. Ew, that sounded wrong. Moving on...

This next step is by far the hardest. Your patience will be tried. You will want to stab your penis with a knife. You will seriously doubt your culinary abilities. All I can tell you is to have faith in the process and press onward. And, if you can, it is best to give yourself as much time as possible. I did not follow my own advice because.... Time? HA HA HA. [insert maniacal laughter] What time?! I'm a working mother of two....

So, frosting....It is very tricky to apply frosting to the carved edges of the cake, especially the balls. If you find that your penis is lacking in structural integrity, you can make the frosting more liquidy by adding milk. I only recommend this for the sides. The top of the cake should be fine.

In the end, your cake will look as marvelous as this:


I'm not going to lie, while I was constructing this cake, I couldn't help but become overwhelmed by the powerful sense that I was a grand sculptor and painter, all in one. A regular Leonardo Da Vinci. This cake is the equivalent of my David AND my Mona Lisa. It was a very moving experience. Especially as I was rounding out the edges of the scrotum with frosting.

Like those mini-chocolate chips? Nice touch huh? Wait, hold on a second. Penis cakes look must better when they are shiny.


THERE we go. What a work of art! Totally worthy of my sister's bachelorette party :) You didn't think I was just making this for the heck of it, did you? Sheesh!

Also, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to look at frosting the same again. Especially frosting that claims to be "Creamy Supreme."


Before I leave you to soak in the many marvels of the Penis Cake, I'd like to share some little tips that I've intuited or learned from my vast experience.

Helpful Tips:

1) If you become nauseous easily, you may want to stay away from penis cakes. I was not nauseous at all today UNTIL I started making this cake. Coincidence? I think not. Also, not recommended for Jehovah's Witnesses, lesbians, people with low vulgarity tolerance, and sufferers of diabetes. 

2) It's a known fact that children love cake. However, no child on the face of the earth should ever be subjected to a penis cake. Keep out of reach of children.

3) Practice safe baking. Wear an oven mit. Check for holes first. 

4) Your husband will not want to eat this cake. Do not be offended. 

5) When your coworkers ask you what you did over the weekend, you may want to use discretion before answering truthfully by saying "I made a penis cake!"

Happy Baking!

12 comments:

  1. Nice attention to detail! Thought you might get a kick out of this: http://www.timetravelturtle.com/2013/04/kawasaki-penis-festival-kanamara-matsuri-japan/#sthash.2VuTD9px.dpbs

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  2. wow, words fail me...ummm...so many questions, so little time. what was the occasion? who actually ate this? what did your kids think? what the why?? but one thing is clear--you win! most hilarious, awesome mom blog post EVER.

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  3. Now that shows initiative – good job! Here’s some initiative that men need to take – making sure that their penises are in good shape. Men really need to regularly use a top notch penis health cream (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil). The best creams for the job include a combination of moisturizers, ideally a high end emollient (e.g., shea butter) and a natural hydrator (such as vitamin E). It also is beneficial if the cream includes acetyl L-carnitine, a neuroprotective ingredient that can help restore penis sensitivity lost due to rough handling.

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  4. OMG! this is the best blog ever, I laughed from top to bottom and when I make my own for my niece bachelorette party will remember every part of it. Especially the "I have penises coming out of eyeballs" because I am a mother of twin boys... Thank you a lot for this post!!!

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  5. hahahahahahhaha... i think we need to be friends...lol.... great blog!!!!!! making this for my cousin's bachelorette party this weekend!!! let the fun begin!

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  6. Love the Blog :) I have used my own ideas in the past,but,I think I'll use yours for my "Ladies Only Party".....

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  7. Too bad, rule #1, I'm making this for lesbians and other queer women!

    Because irony or something.

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    Replies
    1. Where's the creàm filling? 2layers, white cream center, oozing out the front-middle.... Serve with a bouquet of balloons, (blown up rubbers, they have assorted colors) Perfect!!!!

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    2. Where's the creàm filling? 2layers, white cream center, oozing out the front-middle.... Serve with a bouquet of balloons, (blown up rubbers, they have assorted colors) Perfect!!!!

      Delete
  8. This has got to be one of the best posts I've ever read! Chuckled all the way through.

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  9. Hi! this size of cake was enough for how many people? I have to make one for 10 ladies, but I don´t know wich size to do. Thanks!!!

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  10. Love it! Made one for my friends birthday and she loved it! Thank you

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