I'm very happy with our three boys. When Jon was born I had a sense of completion that I didn't get after Ryan was born (when Ryan was born I felt like there was still someone missing from our family). I don't ever want to be pregnant ever again. I don't ever want to have another c-section. EVER. And I totally agreed with the vasectomy when my husband scheduled it- which was shortly after my return home from a five day stay at the hospital following Jon's birth.
I don't know. I still feel a little pull of hesitation. Sometimes I think four would be kind of awesome. It's hard to accept the fact that when Jon grows up, there will be no more babies in the house. A part of me is going to shrivel up and die when I have to give away all the baby stuff. And I'm nearly dying of curiosity as to whether our fourth would be a girl or boy.
BUT, THEN AGAIN.
Just when I think I might want another, I have one of those days were everything is really hard, I'm so tired that I weep without provocation, I'm so overwhelmed I almost can't breath, and I feel like I just want to run away. (A little nap, when possible, usually ALWAYS turns those days around) And then I think of all the fun things we will get to do with the kids when they are older and we do not have a baby in the house. I look forward to spending more time with just my husband and really focusing on us. And when I see all the FB posts of the families for which I used to babysit, I realize that having adult children looks like a lot of fun too. So maybe the "no more babies" thing isn't the end of the world.
And I feel a strong calling to be a foster parent, especially for older children. So I still have that.
BUT, BUT, BUT
Babies! Squishy thighs. Long eyelashes. Coos. First smiles. How does someone even BEGIN to put all this in the past?! I just can't. I don't want to think about it. My heart hurts.
So, I'm just going to focus on how awesome my kids are now (you know, when they aren't being not awesome). On to the "snaps" portion of this post.
Jacob has really amazed me this week (aside from the little bump in the road on Sunday when he had a major tantrum and screamed that he hated me a dozen times while kicking his door). I still tend to think of him as a little boy (he was my first baby!). But he's a big creative, intelligent kid now. He brought home a mid-year report card on Monday with incredible marks. The scale for the three subjects (reading, writing, and math) only goes up to 3 but he managed to get 3's in reading and math and a 4 in writing. Developmentally and socially he earned top marks as well. As proud as I am, I can't take any credit. I never tried to teach him to read early and we are not the kind of parents that push our young kids to be scholars. I really like the motto "play is a kid's work."I mean, Jacob thought a cow "roared" up until he was four. He didn't even go to preschool. So, I don't know how he turned out like this. I'm not even sure he's really my kid. (Now Ryan, I KNOW he's my kid. He licks all the chocolate off his donuts and leaves the rest.)
Here's a tower Jacob built Monday before school just seconds before Ryan plowed into it. He used every single non-breakable cup in the entire house. He's my future engineer (Ryan is my future human wrecking ball).
After school today, Jacob saw a pile of cardboard in our recycling bin. His brain immediately went to work and he told me he was going to build an alligator. I looked at the pile and saw a bunch of garbage. But he looked at the same thing and saw an alligator. He did this ALL by himself. I love how the teeth add a nice little touch :)
The pictures don't really do it justice.
The other morning, I woke up and found Jacob and Ryan eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Jacob had taken the pancakes I made and froze over the weekend and prepared one plate for himself and another for Ryan (even cutting the pancakes into little pieces). He also made TEA for the both of them. My kids are obsessed with tea, which I always find to be hilariously odd.
Today, Ryan and I took a little walk to the park with Jon. I brought some old bread and we fed the birds at the beach. I love his two year old brain. So complex and full of unprocessed emotions that just want to break free. And yet the simple little activities bring so much joy. Seeing pure and simple joy on his face for ten minutes makes up for an afternoon of tantrums and nap refusals.
He just wants to throw and run and punch and kick. He doesn't mean to hurt people or break things. Everything is just a fun game. He expresses himself physically, even if he doesn't really know what the message is that he is trying to convey.
When we came home from the beach today, I started cooking while Ryan thought up some new uses for my breast pump. He picked it up and asked me if it was for shooting bad guys. So he tried is out as a gun. Then he tried it out as a whistle.
It eventually became a periscope. Then he lost interest, grabbed a whisk in each hand, and began to smack the couch (aka: the bad guys).
Jon is having so many great days lately. He has such a hard time falling and staying asleep during the day, which can make him fussy. But other than that, he's been so great and so happy and so much fun. It's such a relief to have my sweet baby back. It's such a relief to be able to enjoy his babyhood once again.
His eyelashes kill me!
I love to watch him sleep. And I don't even mind that he only sleeps in my bed, in my arms, at night. Lately I sleep in only one position: with Jon cradled in one arm as we lay face to face and tummy to tummy. I'd KILL for the opportunity to sleep on my stomach again. But he's only going to my baby for a short time.
Bed hog. But he's my bed hog.
We ended tonight with bath time. I love bath time. My three favorite mini people smooshed together in a small space, giggling, splashing, and making a gigantic mess all over my bathroom floor. But I love them. And I love when they are laughing together.