Common Childhood Illnesses

Since the beginning of time parents have complained that their children do not come with instruction manuals. Well someone out there is listening. Today, I received this in the mail:

A guide to childhood emergencies and illnesses.

The pictures on the front probably say it all, but just in case, I'll provide you with a breakdown of some of the major illnesses that this guide covers.

1. No Mo' TP. Toilet Paper: it isn't self-replenishing. But your kid won't learn this until he moves out of the house and, at the most inopportune time, reaches for an empty roll of toilet paper. He will probably try to gather the little pathetic shreds of white hanging from the empty roll, but to no avail. That's when he will learn the ugly truth.

Until that moment, however, it's the parents who suffer.

2. Diarrhea of the mouth. This book contains helpful step-by-step instructions for what to do when your kid WON'T STOP TALKING. Hint: it involves duct tape.

3. Selective hearing. Kids are born with a strange sense of hearing. You may yell at your child multiple times to clean his room and he won't hear you. But this doesn't mean he cannot hear the dang ice cream truck when it comes within 5 miles of the house.

4. Doggy Syndrome. Your kid may have this illness if he insists he is a dog and absolutely MUST eat his food by leaning over, sticking his face onto his plate, and grabbing pasta between his teeth. Other signs may include: incessant barking, lifting his leg to pee, and the death of your favorite pair of shoes.

5. This is a very common childhood illness: Pirate Fever. Be careful, this illness often leads to a aggressive behavior and a billion treasure-digging-holes in your freshly manicured lawn. And scurvy.

6. The infamous Potty Dance. If your kid starts to grab his crotch and dance around the house, he could be a budding Michael Jackson. Or he could just have to pee.

"Jacob, go pee."

"I DONT HAVE TO!"

While you can treat this illness, you can never really cure it in the male child. As he ages, it will eventually turn into an adult disease popularly known as the "White Man Dance."

7. Wait....I'm confused. What is this?

8. Running Away is a big phenomenon among children. It usually occurs when they are asked to do something unpleasant. It can start as early as age 2. In older children, this illness usually lasts for only short bouts of time-- more specifically, until it's time for the next meal. Just be prepared, you may want to deadbolt the door before you ask your kid to clean his toys.

9. We all could use a few tips on dealing with the noisy and messy spaghetti slurper. Is it bad that I just had to google the proper spelling of spaghetti?

10. For the mornings when your kid wakes up with snowleopard spots.

11. Face the reality now. If you're a parent, there will come a time when you have to pull beads out of your kid's nose. Yep.

12. Last but not least....Butts. Chances are, your kid has a butt. And you are very familiar with that butt. And with that butt comes a WHOLE host of issues. From the day your child is born, you will be diapering, wiping, applying goop to, checking for rashes on, and worrying about the quality and frequency of what is coming out of that butt. Parenting is lovely.

If you have a child that is suffering from any of these above conditions, you should probably go to the library and check out this pamphlet. Who am I kidding? People don't go to libraries anymore. Just to go WebMD.