Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Gifts of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is the gift that keeps on giving. It gives and gives for nine months. Stretch marks, morning sickness, heartburn, insomnia. Then after nine months (let's be real, more like ten), it gives you the grand finale, mother-of-all gifts: a tiny shrieking human that shits and spits uncontrollably and demands your attention 24/7 with no regard to the needs of others for whom you will likely end up paying tuition (or bail).

Oh yeah. Did I mention that tiny shrieking, pooping, spitting human would be damn cute? That makes up for it, right?

Even though this is my third pregnancy, there are many things about pregnancy that I had forgotten (thanks to another fine gift, the gift of mommy-amnesia).

1. Poop. I said it. Poop. POOP (I live with three boys). It's on every pregnant mother's mind. Because when you are pregnant, every single poop, right down to the smallest bunny-sized turd, is a victory. And hell no....I am not ashamed of doing victory dances in the bathroom.

2. Boobs. OMG, boobs! I'm not shy. I'm going to come out and say it, I LOVE boobs. My entire life, I have been plagued by boob-famine, thanks to my eleven-year-old-boy shaped body. But when those pregnancy lines appears, it's like...boob-ageddon! It's raining boobs! All you need are boobs! Boobapalooza! Sometimes, I'll be sitting at my desk at work and I'll suddenly feel my chest and think in amazement, "boobs!" Then I just cross my fingers that my boss is not walking past my door watching me grope myself.

3. Morning sickness. HA! What a joke. Nothing "morning" about it. With all three of my pregnancies my nausea will strike at any moment, without warning and without any pattern. Yum, I'm licking all the cream cheese off this fantastic bagel one moment. The next, BAM! Sickness. And I'm suddenly laying on the floor with a half-creamed bagel stuck to my forehead.

4. Magic wands. Sorry, these are not "good" magic wands. Ha ha, did you actually think there was something POSITIVE about the first trimester? These magic wands are awkwardly long, cold, covered in goo and will be used against you by a trained professional. Did I mention, this magic wand will be inserted roughly up your girl parts so a complete stranger can see what your insides look like? No foreplay. (P.S., If you ever hear the words "vaginal ultrasound," you should run away.)

5. Iron deficiencies. Hang on, let me recover a moment. I just used a big word. Phew. Ok. You know those goats up in the mountain that spontaneously pass out and fall to the ground? That will be you, unless you take your iron. Yes, a pregnant woman has a lot in common with the beloved fainting goat. You just look less cute when you do it. Oh and be forewarned, iron pills = no poo for days and days and days. (See No. 1).

6. Weight. What's the big deal? Weight is merely mass times gravity. It doesn't define us. If we lived on the moon we would weigh 1/6 of what we weigh on earth. (I'm not fat, I am just currently experiencing an abundance of gravitational forces.) I don't know about everyone else, but when I'm pregnant, I oscillate between: (1) OMG, I'm pregnant. LICENSE TO EAT. I'm going to eat everything. Doritos, check! Honey buns, check! Pretzels dipped in mustard, check, check, check! See this bulge? That's all baby. Oh these love handles? just gravitated towards my hips. AND (2) OMG, I'm pregnant. I cannot show until I'm 18 weeks so that I don't have to tell my boss. Will not get fat this early. Will not! Baby is the size of a freaking cherry, why am I so lumpy?! Do not give in to The Cravings!

So yeah, life is fun right now.

I figured that I had better document all these things and do all the women a favor who are currently under the heavy influence of mommy-amnesia and need a good reminder about the wondrous gifts of pregnancy. You're so very welcome!

1 comment:

  1. ha ha ha, so true. thank you, no seriously thank you for reminding me how totally sucky the first trimester is. you are hilarious! i especially feel you on the urge to eat everything in sight's all baby! not. and i totally forgot about the poop prob, esp exacerbated by iron pills. i had to take stool softener every day. that was fun.