Saturday, March 1, 2014


I'm still waiting for the feeling of excitement to kick in about baby the third. Oddly, I just kind of feel nothing. There is some annoyance at the constant nausea and a lot of annoyance at the stubborn pouch forming around my middle. I've never "shown" this early before and I'm frustrated that I never really made it back to baseline after having Ryan despite working out and watching what I eat (very carefully!). And I was really, really upset that day I thought my pregnancy had ended. But other than that.....I feel kind of "meh."

The lack of enthusiasm makes me feel bad. I mean, I wanted this baby right? Truly I did. But not exactly right now. And with Ryan's recent sleeping trouble and his nose dive into the land of terrible two, I'm realizing how incredibly overwhelmed I'm going to feel with three (and two in diapers). Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. But I wasn't thinking. I rarely make decisions based upon reason and logic (and this wasn't even a decision I made- it was more like a surprise).

I feel incredibly ungrateful for this wonderful gift of a child that I wanted so passionately, before I had received it. I know things will get better. I'm trying to wrap my head around the exciting things. Like names, and baby clothes, and the addictive smell of newborns. I mean, there's a reason why I really wanted another baby when Ryan shed his babyhood....and I am on a mission to remind myself of all of those wonderful reasons.

People in our house are starting to get sick. This means that people are getting cranky and crabby. And by people, I mean my husband. I made some homemade chicken noodle soup for all the sickies and now my house smells amazing! I know what I'm eating for lunch this week!

The kids have been really interested in making forts lately I love it because it's the one game they play together without any fighting. They take their piles of blankets and stuffed animals ans pile them in unique spots all around the house. Jacob is the leader and master fort designer and Ryan is in charge of quality control. He tests the strength of the fort walls with his brute force and renegade leg kicks. Then he sits patiently in the middle of the fort waiting for Jacob to make all the final last minute adjustments. Today there were at least three different versions of "the fort." The final one ended up like this:

Later, Ryan gave us a little fashion show.

When Ryan and my husband (the sickies) were napping, I took Jacob with my to the gym. He played in childcare while I ran and tried to lift some weights and do weight machines. I really didn't do many weights (I'm starting slow and trying to work really hard on my form) but somehow, I threw out my back. This is the third time I've thrown out my back since Ryan was born. I also threw it out once in lawschool after my one and only half marathon.

The pain is excruciating. I can't stand straight. I can barely walk. I can't sit. Everything except for laying down hurts. And with two little kids and a full time job, I'm not going to be doing much laying in the near future. I suffered through my pain long enough to make dinner, clean up, and help get the kids to bed. Now I'm going to snuggle in my bed with the space heater turned up to 95 degrees (shhh, don't tell my husband!) while I veg on the internet and get Wheat Thin crumbs all over the bed (shhh, don't tell my husband!).


  1. Regarding the baby feelings: Maybe your husband's response is dampening down your feelings? Also, I was thrilled to be expecting Rosebud, but I was so busy that I did not really have time to feel excited. I did not do birthing classes and we did not have the crib set up when I went to the hospital. But, deep down, if I took time to think about it, I knew I was thrilled--and I was thrilled when she was born (because then, she demanded I take time for her!). Good luck though! I know it feels unmotherly not to be overwhelmed with happy anticipation.

    Regarding your back: Ow! I hope you mend quickly.

    Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

  2. No worries cousin. That's why you have 9 months to prepare yourself-you need those 9 months to get there. :)

  3. First, congratulations!
    Second, I spent a whole lot of time feeling conflicted during my pregnancy with baby #3-- it was a surprise, the timing sucked, the kids are 15 months apart, the house is too small, the money, etc. I felt a lot of guilt about feeling conflicted too. She's approaching her second birthday (!!) and I can't imagine it having happened any other way. It *does* take time, but I swear that feeling is not forever. ***hugs****