Disjointed

Baby will be here Monday. Monday at noon to be precise. It's so weird to know the exact time, down to the hour. But it's also highly convenient. (One--and the only--point for C-sections).

I took yesterday and today off. Yesterday I had hoped to have a fun day with the kids. Ryan stayed home with me while Jake was in school. Ryan had a million tantrums which included: screaming "I hate you" repeatedly in Target, crying at the top of his lungs for five minutes (also in Target) for no apparent reason, throwing himself dramatically on the kitchen floor every time I refused to give him Doritos, and telling me that everything was "stupid."

Wow. Jacob's terrible twos (which were actually terrible threes) were never this..... terrible.

Finally it was time to pick Jake up from school. I decided to surprise the boys with a fun putt-putt golf adventure. They fought and whined the whole time. Jacob threw down his golf clubs in disgust and had his own set of tantrums.

Let's just say that yesterday was not my finest mom day. I put the boys to bed at 7:30, cried for half an hour, and then spent the rest of the evening wondering what the hell I was going to do with another child when the children I have drive me so insanely batty. What the hell have I done?

Even though I'm supposed to be on maternity leave, tomorrow I have to go into work and sit through a lengthy court hearing. I was asked if I was available to do some work after the hearing. I'm pretty sure my face screamed, "what part of 'maternity leave' do you not understand." But all I managed to say was, "I wasn't planning on it...." HINT. HINT.

Everything is uncomfortable. Everything hurts. But the thought of a C-section, and everything that procedure brings, makes me want to put Monday off until forever. My C-sections have never been easy. The first time (my emergency C-section), I ended up with an infection and a fever. The second time, I lost so much blood that my doctor almost ordered me to have a blood transfusion. In ten days, things will be better. But getting there is going to be so hard. So. Hard. Do I take the anxiety medicine they will offer me and suffer through those extra side effects...or do I suck it up, again?

This reminds me, I have to start taking stool softeners right now. Popping them like crazy until Monday. Because there is nothing worse than having to poop after someone has cut through all of your abdominal muscles.

Ryan is my baby. Having another baby makes me feel slightly like I am betraying him. Tears. Damn you, hormones.

I'm worried that I'm going to be so overwhelmed that I might not love the new baby. But I'm also pretty sure that I already do love him. I'm being absurd, right?

My husband is awesome. We have been married for seven years and I feel like this year has been our best. We are so different but we make such a great team. The strength of our relationship may have something to do with the fact that neither of us really have friends. He isn't bad to look at either.

I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm overwhelmed. And sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. Everything on social media pisses me off. I'm pretty sure I have pre-partum depression. I vaguely remember having these same feelings last time around.