Monday, February 9, 2015

You've Got To Be Suiting Me!

I have a federal trial in less than a month. It's actually a retrial of a case I co-chaired last August when the jury was unanimously not unanimous in reaching a verdict. At that time I was 8 months pregnant. Oddly, the only other time I co-chaired a trial, I was also 8 months pregnant (different baby). So this is going to be the first trial where I do not have a beach ball protruding from my abdoment. And I would like to look good. If that's not possible, then I'll settle for acceptable.

All this is to say that I am very much in need of a new suit. In my short legal career, I've not had great experiences with suits. Any suit jacket that fits in the waist/bust is too small in the shoulders and too short in the arms. Also, I have never found a single pair of trousers that fits me. It's painful to admit this but.....apparently I suffer from chronic butt camel toe. So I'll just be sticking to skirt suits.

Basically, I have one suit that I like. It's from JCrew. And while wearing the same suit five days in a row might be forgivable when you are the shape of an orb (they should sell pepper spray thingies that shoot out Febreeze), that's not gonna cut it this time around. Yup, I'm officially suit hunting.

The internet is great for suit hunting. Just from looking at a photoshopped image of a stick-sized, gorgeous model, I can tell EXACTLY whether a suit will work for me or not. UGH, Right now I don't have many leads but I wanted to share some of the gems that I found on actual chain retail store websites.

Warning: the suits you are about to see are 100% real. Recommended for mature audiences only.

First up, look at this beauty. I mean what lawyer hasn't thought, "I really wish I could look like Tetris at my hearing today." It's great for distracting opposing counsel.



Then there is this...the "Embellished Shoulder Torn Blazer." Why would you tear your own shoulders when you can have it done by an underpaid seamstress in a third world country? I know what you're thinking, "This is so wonderful that I have absolutely nothing as equally wonderful to wear with it!" But never fear! You can buy the skirt in the picture and be stylin' from head to toe. Just don't be alarmed if birds start to fly for your crotch, mistaking the print for tree branches. 


If I could wear shorts this short in court, I would never have to brief another legal issue ever again. I'd win cases with my legs. And an occasional panty peek-a-boo during strategically timed instances of a dropped pen.  


Who wore it better? This model, or someone from the cast of Duck Dynasty? This is a great selection when your secretary accidentally books your court date back to back with your hunting trip. Set to the tune of about 5 grand...this suit better be lined with real deer fur.


Finally, this is the PERFECT suit to wear when:

(a) you need to distract the judge from your losing argument;
(b) you want to set a more relaxed, springy tone (i.e. death penalty cases);
(c) when you have to apologize to the court for a mistake you made and you want to inform the judge that to be human is to err by reminding him of poor life choices he may have made during a college spring break trip to Mexico; or
(d) you are the designer's mother.


6 comments:

  1. Check out Corporette for some good recommendations for suits. Some of them are wicked expensive, but she's got a ton of recommendations: http://corporette.com/

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  2. I saw the first picture on your FB feed and thought you were serious about wanting to wear it for your trial! I didn't say anything, of course...

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    Replies
    1. A lot of people thought I was serious! Am I realy that weird? Ha ha.

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    2. A lot of people thought I was serious! Am I realy that weird? Ha ha.

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  3. Haha. I kind of like the tetris suit! Not for court, so much.

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