Being Patient

I think I have baby fever. It's a very odd thing. My baby is only 4 months old but I just can't wait to have another one. I can see how having babies can be addicting, you know, if it weren't for the getting fat, nausea, end of pregnancy discomforts, going under the knife, and 4 months of recovery before I can even do a freaking sit-up.

If it weren't for finances, I would be ready to have another one. Right now. As I rock my baby to sleep each night, my heart aches for one more. I recognize that that seems silly- why can't I just enjoy what I have, right? I just can't explain it. I dream of laughter-filled evenings. Being attacked by a flock of children early in the morning. A table full of hungry mouths telling me stories about their day all at the same time. I love the noise, the chaos, the feeling of being outnumbered that comes with larger families.

I can't help but be excited about another baby and beging to wonder who will he or she be? It's similar to looking at baby Ryan or even Jacob and wondering who will they be in one year? Two years? Ten years? We are still building our family and there may still be some blank spaces in our family photos. How weird is that? Our kids will mean the entire world to us from here on out and it's weird to think that we do not even know them yet.

While I'm anxious for one more, I'm also nervous. With Jacob, we got pregnant right away. But I went through some grueling infertility before we got pregnant with Ryan. Before it happened to me, I had never even HEARD of secondary infertility. I was totally devasted each month that passed by and I didn't see a posivite pregnancy test. It was a silent pain that ate away at me. It made me resent those around me and it made me think things that I am not proud of.

Unless you go through it, you can't truly understand the pain. It's much different than really wanting a baby but, for some reason or another, deciding to wait. It's different because the worst part of it all is the fact that you have absolutely no control. No choice, no decision. You just hold your breath and cross your fingers. And when you are unsuccessful time after time all you can say is, "Why me. Why again? WHY?" And nothing can take away the pain that comes from yearning, but empty, arms.

I'm not sure what to expect a third time around. Will it be easy or will it be hard? If it will be hard, I'm not ready to face the emotional blows. Things are too good right now. I don't want to throw pain in the mix. I want to enjoy what I have.

And right now that includes, sweet cuddles, wide gummy smiles, excited coos, and sleeping side by side every night from 4am to 7am.

So, maybe I'll just focus on enjoying things the way they are right now. Then, when Ryan is a little older, I can slowly dip into the unknown once again.