Thursday, January 9, 2014

My Day As A Toddler

I started to make a list of weird/funny things that Ryan has been doing lately. As I studied my list I realized that it would be really fun to have a little break from being an adult and just act like a toddler for a day. Because toddler always do what they want. And that is awesome.

So, let's see. What would my day at the office look like?

First things first. I would not walk anywhere. I would run. Even for the short distances. Most likely with my arms trailing behind my body. I'd run to the copy machine. Run to the kitchen. Run down the hall to talk to my coworkers. Run to the law library. And while I was running, before I entered each room, I would yell, "I'm COMING!" You know, to announce my presence for my grand entrance.

When it's time for the 10 am public disclosure meeting, I'd run down the hall yelling, "I'm COOOOOOOOOOOMING!" before taking my seat at the conference table. I'd sit for approximately 35 seconds. Then in the middle of the meeting, I would, one by one, walk around to everyone's chair, grab their mug, and take a sloppy sip. Then I'd put the mug down and move onto the next person. Eventually I'd come back to my own chair. I'd stand on it and then paint pictures on the conference room table with the water from my cup. Grinning from ear to ear, I'd announce proudly, "pretty!" while everyone else was busy talking.

On the way back to my office, I would walk by the kitchen, open up the refrigerator, and gulp down an entire bottle of someone else's coffee creamer. If I was feeling generous, I might leave 1/2 teaspoon  for the next guy. Of course, some creamer would spill on the floor (hello, I'm a toddler). I'd study the spill for a second before yelling "MESS!" and running away.

I'd sit at my desk and remove all the lids from all the pens. Then drop them all over the floor. When my boss would come in with a stack of contracts to review, I would grab them from his hands, exclaim "don't want it!" Then I'd shove it back into his hands. Then I'd take them back, exclaim, "don't want it!" and give them back again. Repeat times 14. Then, I'd take off one sock and throw it down the hall. Just for kicks.

When my boss leaves, I'd send approximately 8 emails to random people in my Outlook contacts list. All the emails would look something like this:

"kwiepppppppppppppppppppkjwe0481-rnfvdiki   hhhhhhhhh  nsfnhggggggggggllllllfcjwfej  jfejod ojdkwe"

Around lunchtime, I'd approach the nearest adult and exclaim, "Snack! Peeeeees! Want Crackers! Want to EAT!" When the adult obediently hands me crackers, I'd throw them on the floor and yell "NO!" Then, in an effort to appease, she/he would hand me a different snack. I'd throw that on the floor too and then go pick up my crackers and walk away smiling. Ha ha. I showed YOU!

After lunch, I'd fall asleep under my desk. And drool on the carpet. When I wake up, I''d probably discover that I peed myself. I may or may not remove my pants, depending upon how I was feeling at the moment. Then I'd be bored. So I would walk into my coworker's office (possibly sans pants). My coworker will  be on the phone so I would walk over to her, tug on her clothes until she paid attention to me and demand, "phone, pees." When she ignores me, I would repeat, "PHONE PEES!" Then I would climb on her lap, pull on the phone cord, and repeatedly smack the receiver out of her hand.

Then she would banish me to my office for timeout.

Then the office manager would come by to deliver my mail. She would approach and hand my mail toward me. I would look at her angrily before suddenly yelling "STOP IT." For no good reason. Other than the fact that I'm probably crabby. And not wearing pants. And because I don't like the way she holds mail. She would set the mail on my desk and cower away. But I would continue to yell, "STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT," at the offending mail taking up residence in my inbox.

Then at 3:00 pm, because it has been a long and busy day, I will begin to cry and scream. If no one came immediately to my attention, my screams would crescendo until everyone within visual distance lost the ability to function and shriveled into little lumps on the carpet. At this point, security would barge into my office, hand me a sucker to make me shut up, and wait outside with me until my grandma came to pick me up. And I'd be happy. Because unlike inflexible busy-bodies hiding away in office buildings, grandma's are easy to handle.

Before leaving the premises safe in my grandma's arms, I would turn around, smile sweetly, and wave goodbye.

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