Tears And Terrors At 20 weeks

After putting the kids to bed, I hopped into the shower at 8:45pm. I had just finished my workout at the gym. It felt amazing to sweat. I was in a very good mood.

How quickly everything changed with one simple phone alert.

After my shower, I noticed a missed call. Who would call me at almost 9pm? The voicemail was from my OB. She told me she was reviewing my ultrasound and asked that I call her back. Her voice sounded so cool and calm. She didn't give away a single emotion. But a chill went up my spine and I instantly began to worry. Something had to be wrong. Why else would she call so late?

But I had just seen my baby last week. He had all his body parts. He looked like all my other baby ultrasounds. He was moving. He was sucking. I feel him kicking and jabbing all day long. He's alive. How could anything be wrong?

My mind went through a million scenarios. Each one worse than the next. I left her a voice message of my own and waited. I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate. I felt sick.

We finally connected and I nearly leapt in anticipation when I finally heard her deep, calm voice over my phone in real time. Oh please tell me it's something mundane. Oh please assure me. Please.

But her voice gave away nothing. And I instantly knew it was something.

"We saw a couple things on your ultrasound."

Silence. Hello. I'm waiting.

"The first is that we only saw two blood vessels instead of the usual three in your baby's umbilical cord. So we will need to do another ultrasound and some non stress tests."

I breathed a deep sigh of relief. They had said the same thing about Ryan and I had gotten all worked up and it turned out to be nothing at all. In fact, when he was born, they discovered he had all THREE blood vessels. I remember being upset at all the heartache and headache they had caused me.

"But there's something else."

Oh my god. They always save the worst for last, right? My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to collapse.

"Baby has a small cyst in his brain."

And the tears flowed. And flowed. And I sniffled loudly into the phone and couldn't see straight and a gigantic lump filled my throat. And I thought "why?" Why does this have to happen? "WHY?"

"Usually, when there is a cyst and several other findings, it's a sign of a pretty serious chromosome problem. In your case, there is only a cyst. There is nothing else that would indicate a major problem. But it still could be a sign of something. I know you turned down the chromosome blood test but I wanted to give you the option to have the test again. You might also consider additional imaging with [insert fancy specialist hospital in big city nearby]. The testing could help put your mind at ease."

All I could manage were tears and snot.

"It's most likely nothing to worry about. I just wanted to give you all the information."

Nothing she said could have reassured me. Most Likely's and Probably's mean nothing in the face of news like this. When you hear the words Brain and Cyst together, there is only worry.

And I'm totally freaking out.