Monday, June 16, 2014

The Kids Are Winning

On Father's day, I gathered Jacob and Ryan together and we called my dad with the speaker on.

Me: "Say Happy Father's Day to Grandpa!"
Jacob: "Happy Father's Day big butt brain."
Ryan: "Happy Fafer's Day stinky butt Gampa!"
Me: "No, that's not nice. Please talk nicely to Grandpa."
Jacob: "Ok, hi tooty-butt grandpa stink face."
Ryan: "Bad boy Gampa!"
Me: "If you can't talk nicely, I'm going to take away the phone. Tell Grandpa you love him."
Jacob: "I love you turtle buttface, robot footlicker."
Ryan: "lub you, chicken fart."

Yes, I had to take away the phone.


Today after work, the kids were coloring in the dining room while I was changing out of my work clothes. It got really quiet so I called out, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"

Jacob yelled back that he was coloring at the dining table. Ryan followed suit by exclaiming, "My color on the chair." Ok, I assumed he was sitting on the chair, coloring in his coloring book.


Should have known better.


Later this evening while I was putting the dishes away, I heard this lovely exchange between my husband and Jacob.

Husband [very angry, like usual]: "JACOB, did you PEE in the BATHTUB?!"
Jacob [sheepishly]: "No."
Husband: "Then why do I see PEE in the BATHTUB?"
Jacob: "Well, I peed in this cup and then dumped it into the bathtub."

Duh dad. DUH.


One of my least favorite things in the entire world is supervising the kids as they brush their teeth. When it's time to brush teeth, Jacob is suddenly the chattiest human on earth. He'll sit there with the toothbrush dangling lamely from his mouth as he gabs and gabs about the most useless shit imaginable. Before you know it, a two minute chore has eaten up fifteen minutes of my life.

Jacob [with toothbrush hanging from his mouth]: "Hey mom, tomorrow I'm going to use that empty box as a trash can for my room."
Me: "Ok, we'll talk about it later. Please brush your teeth."
Jacob: "Mom?"
Me: "No! No talking. Brush your teeth."
Jacob: "Just one thing, really quick!"
Me: "Quick!"
Jacob: "Well today, I was walking with Grandma and Ryan was riding his scooter and we were going to the park and Grandma let me have a grilled cheese sandwich and then I saw someone litter."
Me: "BRUSH."
Jacob: "Hey mom, my foot is bigger than Ryan's."
Me: "Great. Now brush."
Jacob: "Just one more thing. Remember at Chuck-E-Cheese that game that's your favorite? Well, when I went to Chuck-E-Cheese the other day, it was gone."
Me: "Brush."
Jacob: "Did you know our neighbor is growing lemons."
Me: "No she's not."
Jacob: "Then what are those yellow things in her tree."
Me: "Leaves."
Jacob: "Tomorrow, I'm going to build a gun out of my Legos and...."


  1. LOL! If my kids did these things I'd be really annoyed, but since it's your kids, it's hilarious.

    K is like that with reading. "Brush your teeth." "Okay." I look in his room and he's sprawled on the bed, reading a comic book. "BRUSH YOUR TEETH." "OKAY." He doesn't move. "K. PUT DOWN THE BOOK. BRUSH YOUR TEETH." "OKAY!!!" He gets more and more annoyed, but can't tear his eyes away from the book. Sometimes I have to physically take it away from him.

  2. If your kids are winning when your teams are even, what happens when they outnumber you guys?!

  3. Hilarious! And teeth brushing/flossing is also an abysmal time of day at our house too.