Tuesday, May 13, 2014

16 Weeks And Stuff

This week marks 16 weeks of pregnancy. I feel like I've been pregnant forever but I also feel like I have so much farther to go. I'm in absolutely no hurry for anything though. I dread my third C-section and would be happy to put it off forever (much like my upcoming trial) if it didn't mean also putting off meeting Baby the Third. The silver lining: my doctor offered to try to stitch up my separated abdominal muscles during my C-section. The recovery will be harder (I can't imagine it can get any harder!) and the stitches may not take but it's at least an option (yay!).

Still not looking pregnant. Just looking like I devoured a dozen maple bars. 

I feel pretty good but my nausea still rears its head. It can be anything from slightly annoying to "I need to lie down right now!" It's hard to get through it when I'm at the office. I've been tempted to lay down and hide under my desk but I've managed to avoid such drastic measures, for now. I mostly get sick after lunch or in the evening. It's really strange. I expect, if this pregnancy is anything like my last, that it's here to stay until baby arrives.

I don't feel any baby movement yet. I'm ok with that because as sweet as it can be, I remember that it's very distracting when I'm trying to get work done. We find out in two weeks if we are having a girl or a boy. I would prefer not to make a big deal of the gender reveal and have the technician tell me on the spot what we are having but my sister-in-law (who is an insanely good cupcake baker) really wants to make gender reveal cupcakes. I'm trying to plot how I can find out the gender without anyone knowing before I give her the top-secret envelope. I don't like surprises. Well, I like surprises but I don't really like being on the spot. I want to know in private first. I don't want to find out for the first time in a room full of people.

We are having a heck of a time with baby names. There is a lot of complication surrounding the name we really want to use for a boy. It makes me upset to think about it. We should be able to use the name I want, right? As for girls....it's a hopeless cause at this point. Too many names are acceptable but none really stand out. Well, we do have an absolute favorite girl name but it's WAY too popular right now and I don't know if I can do that after already having a Jacob!

After three days of running 6 miles each, my knees have started to bother me. But I'm at the weird part of running where it feels wrong NOT to run. Like seriously wrong. After the kids went to bed tonight, I made a trip to the gym and forced myself to stick to the treadmill. I hate the treadmill and every swish of the feet was torture. It feels so unnatural to pump my feet up and down. I so desperately want to lift my feet up. My feet feel claustrophobic. Or maybe I'm just totally insane.

As my belly grows uncontrollably, I'm sensing a little bit of my old body image issues surfacing. I wouldn't say it's an eating disorder because I eat normally. Instead, I'm just constantly anxious about how big I'm getting. I know in the grand scheme of things, I'm really not that big at all. But I can't just let go and enjoy my growing belly and I'm insanely jealous of people whose mind allows them that freedom.

It's a weird anxiety that I can't explain. I don't like constant unwelcomed attention. I don't want coworkers to notice my belly ALL the time. There are times that I just want to blend in and be like everyone else. I don't want to be "on display" at every moment of the day. And I remember from previous pregnancies how annoying it is when coworkers feel compelled to make a barrage of comments after every single belly growth spurt. Duh. Pregnant bellies get bigger. I own a mirror. You don't need to tell me what my belly looks like every week. I hate it. HATE it so much.

That said, I'm trying to relax and let go. I'm trying really hard. But when that's not possible, it's so comforting to be able to go for a run and to know that even if I can't control my belly, I can control something about my body even if its as small as a workout.

1 comment:

  1. Body image issues during pregnancy are tough. You really just have to let go, but it's especially hard when people are openly noticing your body. I remember it always bothered me when well-meaning people would say stuff like, "You're all belly," and "From the back, you look just the same, I would never know you were pregnant!" Like they were trying to congratulate me for not getting fat. (Which I did, anyway.) Just because I was pregnant didn't mean I cared to hear their opinion about my ass.