Tuesday, May 20, 2014

A Letter To Maternity Stores

Dear Maternity Clothing Store,

You have one job in life. ONE JOB. That is to provide maternity clothes. That's ALL you have to do. So why do you fail so miserably?

It's totally unacceptable for a clothing store, which caters to only one type of women (pregnant!) to only offer sizes in S, M, L, and XL. What the hell. That's FOUR sizes. I'm sorry but have you seen women lately? They come in more than four sizes. Especially pregnant ones!

And just because you sell pants with a stretchy waist band, doesn't mean you are relieved of the duty to provide variable sizes. Waists aren't the only thing we need to clothe. Obviously waists seem to get the center stage in pregnancy. But a woman who is growing a baby in her belly doesn't all of a sudden lose the rest of her body parts.

You see, there are these things called LEGS. And THIGHS. And ASSES. These things come in all different sizes and a stretchy waistband will not make up for your complete failure to cater to these parts of a woman's body.

Also. What is up with horizontal stripes? Haven't you heard of the ONE and ONLY rule about stripes. Vertical = lean. Horizontal = tug boat. When we are carrying 40 extra pounds of baby weight in our middle, the last thing we want to do is accentuate all of our new fat! I mean, do you even KNOW any women? What planet do you live on?

Then there's style. Seriously, it's pretty much a hopeless cause with you. I assume from the assortment of really strange garments hanging on your racks that you are under the impression that as soon as a woman gets pregnant, she wants to dress like a circus clown. We may waddle. We may become spectacles. We may juggle a million tiny balls in the air. But we do NOT want to dress like clowns. It's only been about four months since I was not pregnant. My taste in clothes has not changed as dramatically as my cup size.

Pencil skirts. Appropriate length shift dresses. And, just to clarify, "appropriate length" is not the same as "see the color of my panties whenever I bend over"  nor does it mean "half way down my calves like a scandalous Amish woman." Shirts that do not have a million bow ties, strange prints, or embellishments. Is it so much to ask?!

Like I said. You have ONE JOB. You sell maternity clothes. So just do it right, ok?

Now, excuse me while I find a bed sheet that I can wear to work tomorrow.



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