Derailed

The happy train derailed today. Shaken off it's track by unidentifiable forces. And now I'm stranded in Negative Land, where the land is dark and barren all the way to the horizon. Ok, that may be a little bit overly-dramatic. But I'm just feeling really off this week.

For the past month I've been running almost five miles a day (taking two days off each week). Each day I would look forward to my runs. Yesterday, I ran three miles and felt like I was going to die. Intuition tells you that running should get easier as you go along. I feel like I make no progress at all. Running five miles feels as hard now as it did a month ago. My speed is not really improving much either. I feel defeated.

On Monday my criminal trial was continued to June. I was very relieved because I feel so unprepared. But I also dread that it is getting strung out. Trial is giving me an ulcer. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want it to be done so I can move on with my life. Thinking about giving an opening statement and direct examining witnesses very literally makes me want to cry.

The past two days, I've come home from work totally drained. When I walk in the door, I literally want to do nothing but sit and stare at the wall. I feel so neglectful and impatient with the kids. But I have nothing more to give and lack the ability to deal with their fabricated drama, their cries for attention, and all their freaking whining. Ryan cries because he wants an apple. I cut up an apple. Then he cries because he DOESN'T want it. Jacob hides all his legos so Ryan can't play with them. More whining ensues. Jacob keeps putting his head through the basketball hoop then cries hysterically when it gets stuck. Um, Duh! No sympathy.

I cringe to think that the kids are taking the brunt of my exhaustion. They should be getting the best of my attention. And yet, each night, I sit at the table with them and the only thing I can think about it, "is it time to put them to bed yet?" And while I think that and while I yell impatiently at them all throughout the night, I'm so very aware of the fact that I'm being a terrible mom. And yet, I can't seem to turn it around. Then I put them to bed, sit on the couch, and regret all the things I said and did.

Being both a mom and an attorney is very difficult right now. And it doesn't help that my husband has been coming home late (like 9-10pm) about four days a week lately. Thankfully, they do not make blenders large enough, otherwise I'm sure I'd be tempted to stick my head in one.

Housework? Ha! Forget housework. My tiny house is littered with toys that I've picked up 100 times already this week. There is no room for all this stuff. I am contemplating throwing EVERY SINGLE ITEM away. Belongings are over-rated anyway.

Dishes? They are piling in the sink waiting to be washed. I would pretty much kill for a dishwasher right now. It would be nice to wash and dry more than ten dishes at a time.

And I just realized that because I'm pregnant, I'm eventually going to have to actually HAVE the baby. This means another C-section. OMG. Why didn't I remember this when I wanted another baby? How come we always manage to forget the worst parts of pregnancy? I keep having flashbacks to my last two C-sections. I take it back. I don't want to be cut open while fully conscious. What was I thinking?! Oh yeah, I wasn't....